The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs
by L.lulu
Summary: They've always been ignored shoved into the background. But now, it is time for their turn in the spotlight. We bring you, the secret lives of Hufflepuffs
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters. I also do not own Windex, which is mentioned in this chapter.**

**Summary: They've always been ignored; shoved into the background. But now, it is time for their time in the spotlight. We bring you the secret lives of Hufflepuffs.**

**Chapter One: Good-byes**

"Remember, don't go in the Forbidden Forest and get eaten by dragons or werewolves or unicorns or chipmunks," Mrs. Abbot said.

"There are dragons in the forest?" Hannah asked her mother. "Unicorns will eat me?!?! WAIT!!! Did you say chipmunks?!?! NOOOO!!! Not chipmunks. Please let me stay home Mummy."

"Hannah…" Mr. Abbot sighed. "I told you, chipmunks can't hurt you. Gretchen, you're not helping by encouraging this phobia."

"Oh, but you're wrong Daddy," Hannah explained. "They're evil monsters that will eat my flesh!" (Hannah shuddered) "NO! PLEASE, NOT THE CHIPMUNKS. NO LEAVE ME ALONE, I GAVE YOU THE NUTS YOU'RE AFTER! NO—"

"Hannah! They're perfectly gentle creatures. Gretchen, please back me up. Gretchen...?"

"PLEASE DON'T LET THEM EAT MY FLESH!" Gretchen Abbot screamed.

"Very well," Mr. Abbot sighed. "Hannah, here is a special chipmunk repellant to use in the event that a chipmunk tries to harm you." Mr. Abbot hastily pulled off a label that read _Windex_.

"Oh thank you Daddy!" Hannah squealed. "This is going to be the best year EVER!"

"Of course sweetheart," Mr. Abbot said. "But just remember, I expect you to make all A's."

"Sure. I can do that!" chirped Hannah.

"I know you can Hannah," said Gretchen. "I made tons of A's when I was at Hogwarts."

"WHAT?!?! This school gave _you_ A's?"

"Of course," Gretchen replied.

"Well then Hannah's gonna end up valedictorian!"

"Awww Daddy," said Hannah, as she hugged her father.

"Well bye Mummy, bye Daddy. I'll miss you! I love you," Hannah said as she boarded the train.

"We love you too Hannah!" Mr. Abbot called back.

"Isn't our daughter growing up fast?" Gretchen exclaimed. "Umm, dear?"

"Yes Gretchen?"

"Would you happen to have any more of that chipmunk repellant?"

"Of course dear," Mr. Abbot said, giving in. "Only for you."

"That was SOOO neat!!!" yelled Justin. "I got to run through a brick wall. I bet you can run through all the walls at Hogwarts. I'm going to try as soon as I get there."

"Uhhh, sure Justin," replied a nervous Ms. Flinch-Fletchely. "You know, when you get to Hogwarts, memorize where the nurse's office is."

"Mum? Do you think that now that I'm a wizard, I can run through all walls without getting hurt?" asked Justin.

"NO JUSTIN!" Mrs. Flinch-Fletchely yelped. "You know what, when you get to your new school, I'd like you to give the nurse this letter."

"Oh mum," Justin smiled. "Why do you always insist on getting aquainted with the nurses at my school?"

"I just don't want them to be alarmed when they meet you—I MEAN, uhh, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS."

"Speaking of friends, I can't wait to show my new friends the running through walls trick. This year's going to be a lot of fun!"

"Of course dear," Mrs. Flinch-Fletchely said.

"I know I'm gonna miss you and you're gonna miss me a lot, so I promise I'll write to you all the time. Every. Single. Day. It'll be like I never left home. Did you know that wizards use owls to write letters to each other? I wonder where you stick the letter. I'm going to have to find out when I get there. That'll be interesting. Don't worry mom, Christmas holiday will come sooner than you know it. Then you'll have me home again."

"Terrific…" Mrs. Flinch-Fletchely said with a forced smile, her eye twitching ever-so-slightly.

"Mum, your eye is twitching spastically again," Justin noted. "You should probably get that checked out. It could mean you're a little chemically imbalanced. I'll ask the nurse about it. When I find out, I'll owl you… as soon as I find out where you stick the letter."

"Alright dear," said Mrs. Flinch-Fletchely. "Have fun at your new school."

Justin stepped onto the train, whilst babbling a long-winded farewell. Finally he closed the train door.

Mrs. Flinch-Fletchely giggled, and her eye twitched.

"Freedom at last!!!"

"Have fun at Hogwarts Susan," Amelia Bones said to her niece.

"I will Aunty Amelia," Susan Bones said.

"Oh, I wish your parents could be here," Amelia sighed. "It's such a shame that the ministry declared them too… well, insane, to be parents…"

"It's all right, Aunty," Susan said. "I'm still allowed to visit them in there new 'home.'"

"Yes," Amelia said. "But this must be hard on you, with your mother and father being mentally ill."

"Not at all, Aunty," replied Susan. "To tell you the truth, I prefer the company of people who are eccentric. I just hope everyone at Hogwarts isn't too normal."

"Ernie, we love you SO much," Mrs. Macmillan said.

"That's right son, and we're very proud of you," Mr. Macmillan added. "We know that you will bring honor to the Macmillan name—as long as you get sorted into Gryffindor."

"Thanks Mum and Dad," said Ernie. "But… what if I don't get sorted into Gryffindor?"

"You will, son, you will," Mr. Macmillan assured him confidently. "_But if you don't_…"

"WE WILL RIP OUT YOUR LARGE INTESTINES AND USE THEM TO STRANGE YOU!!!" Mrs. Macmillan screeched.

"But Mum, the small intestines are actually longer, and would be more effective for _–WHAT_?!?!"

"You heard your mother," Mr. Macmillan hissed. Suddenly, his voice changed back into a calm and pleasant tone. "But as long as you get into Gryffindor, you have nothing to worry about."

Ernie looked back and force at his parents smiling pleasantly, before he walked through the platform.

'All right,' he thought to himself. 'I can get into Gryffindor.'

Ernie then happened to glance into a conveniently placed mirror. He saw:

A yellow and black striped shirt. 'Hmmm, horizontal stripes really aren't doing much for my husky figure.'

An "I 'Heart' Herbology" button.

His own round FRIENDLY AND LOYAL face.

"Ahhh shit," Ernie groaned.

"Oh Zacharias, I'm going to miss you SOOOOO much!" sobbed Mrs. Smith.

"Mother, I can't honestly say I share your feelings," Zacharias replied.

"Hahaha. We know you're only joking, Zachie," chuckled Mr. Smith. "I'm glad I raised a son with such a sense of humor. Our, son is so funny, isn't he honey?"

"SOOOOO funny," Mrs. Smith continued to bawl.

"I'm not joking," snarled Zacharias. "I hate you both. You're annoying. SOOOOO annoying."

"Oh look, sweetheart. Hahaha. He's imitating your voice," laughed Mr. Smith. "My turn, I'll do that funny American president—_We have to go to war to avoid a nukular war._"

"I wish you were dead," hissed Zacharias.

Mr. Smith laughed, "Oh stop it Zachie. Hahaha. Isn't it hilarious, he wants us dead. Now, why would anyone want us dead?"

"Well, for starter's, you named me Zacharias," said Zacharias. "What parent does that?!?! AND YOU ARE ALWAYS LAUGHING. _Hahaha._ It never stops."

"I'm going to miss your jokes SOOOOO much!"

"AND YOU!" Zacharias pointed at his mom. "Do you ever stop crying. And what's with saying 'so' with five O's?"

At this point Mr. Smith was rolling on the ground of the train station, laughing hysterically.

"I'm going on the train," Zacharias grumbled.

"We'll miss you," Mr. and Mrs. Smith laughed/cried in unison.

"I HOPE YOU DIE!"

**I hope you enjoyed this first. Please review and tell me what you think. This is the first time I've attempted to write comedy, so any suggestions and feedback would be greatly appreciated.**

**Next chapter, the five future Hufflepuffs will meet each other.**

**L.lulu**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters. I also do not own the movie Mission Impossible, which is mentioned in this chapter. I briefly mention Windex, so I don't own that either.**

**By the way, any jokes involving are not meant to be offensive—don't kick me off the site!**

**Chapter Two: The Train**

Zacharias Smith sat alone in his train compartment, enjoying the solitude. He was not particularly looking forward to Hogwarts, but anything would be better than home with his parents.

His mother was constantly crying. Not because she was depressed, but because the smallest, the most insignificant, and above all the DUMBEST things made her burst into tears: rainy days, snails, spilled milk.

His father was the complete opposite. Something had to be seriously wrong with the man's brain, because the smallest, the most insignificant, and above all the DUMBEST things made him laugh uncontrollably: charades, giraffes, some ruddy muggle just maybe, the people here would be normal. Or at least quiet.

_Crash!_

"What the hell!"

Zacharias' nice, quiet, alone time was interrupted when a young, curly-haired boy, around his age smashed through the closed glass door of the apartment.

"You idiot! What did you do that for?" Zacharias screamed.

"Damnit! It didn't work," the boy sighed.

"I'VE GOT GLASS SHARDS IN MY SKIN!"

"Oh, that's happened to me before," grinned the boy. "Mum usually freaks out and makes me go to the emergency room. I'm gonna miss it there…"

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!"

"Why do people always ask me that?" the boy pondered. "Actually my mum keeps bringing me to doctors and asks them that. Poor mum… I think she's a little paranoid and not right in the head and such. Hey my name's Justin Flinch-Fletchely, what's yours?"

"It's Zacharias Smith—hey, don't you dare laugh!" Zacharias glared at Justin. "Would you mind telling me why you just ran through the glass door, covering both yourself and I with glass during the process?"

"I'm a wizard now, I can run through shit," grinned Justin.

"What?"

"Yeah, didn't you know, wizards can run through walls and doors and all sorts of stuff."

"No they can't you dumbass!" argued Zacharias.

"Yeah huh," argued Justin.

"Nuh uh," replied Zacharias.

"Yeah huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Yeah huh."

"Shut up!" Zacharias screamed. "I don't have to argue with an idiotic, immature idiot who's intellectually inferior to the amoeba from which we evolved from."

A grin spread across Justin's face, "You're funny."

Zacharias' eye twitched. No. No. No. This could not be happening.

"Hey your eye just twitched. My mum's does that too. I was worried I was gonna get homesick, but now I have a friend who reminds me of my mum. I like you, Zacharias. You're my new best friend."

It was now undeniable to Zacharias. The universe hated him.

**JUSTINZACHARIASJUSTINZACHARIASJUSTINZACHARIASJUSTINZACHARIAS**

Hannah Abbot cautiously walked into the empty compartment. She grabbed her special repellant and squirted every inch of it.

"Those chipmunks won't get me now," she muttered, a relieved smile coming to her face.

Then the door opened.

"Gahhh!" Hannah screeched. She squirted the intruder in the face.

"Ahhh!" The intruder grabbed his eyes. "What the fuck! Did you just spray Windex in my face?"

"No, it's chipmunk repellant," Hannah said. "Oh sorry, you're not a chipmunk."

"No, of course I'm not," the boy standing in front of her said. "Ow, my eyes sting. Was that stuff toxic."

"Not unless you're a chipmunk," Hannah said.

"Good. Sorry to intrude, I thought this compartment was empty."

"Don't be. You're welcome to stay—as long as you're not a chipmunk," said Hannah.

"I keep telling you, I'm not."

"My name's Hannah by the way. Hannah Abbot."

"I'm Ernie Macmillan."

Hannah, who seemed to have accepted the fact that Ernie was indeed, not a chipmunk, was now much friendlier. "Sorry I sprayed you in the face, but you can't be too careful. Chipmunk's are very crafty—you have to be one step ahead of them."

"You do realize that chipmunk's can't hurt you."

"Don't be fooled Ernie. They may seem innocent, but if you let your guard down one minute…" Hannah shuddered.

"Ummm, okay," Ernie said. "So, what house do you want to be in?"

"Slytherin."

"Slytherin? You really don't seem the Slytherin type. Why Slytherin?" Ernie asked.

"Slytherin's like snakes. Snakes eat rodents. Chipmunk's are rodents."

"I don't think there are any actual snakes in the Slytherin house, Hannah. I don't think there are any chipmunks at Hogwarts either."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Okay. So which house do you want to be in?" Hannah asks. She seemed much less psychotic, now that Ernie had made it clear that there weren't likely to be chipmunks at Hogwarts.

"Gryffindor."

"Oh," said Hannah awkwardly. "Ummm, Ernie, you do realize that, well… there's absolutely no chance that you're going to be in any house other than Hufflepuff?"

"What?!?!"

"Yeah," Hannah said with a grimace. "I mean, well, Ernie let's be serious here. Yellow and black shirt? I 'Heart' Herbology button? A friendly and loyal face?"

"So?" Ernie said defensively.

"Ernie, to think that you'll end up in Gryffindor is just CRAZY."

"Chipmunk."

"OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. WHERE? KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!"

This went on for twenty minutes straight.

**HANNAHERNIEHANNAHERNIEHANNAERNIEHANNAHERNIEHANNAHERNIE**

Susan Bones desperately wanted to find a seat. Sure, there were several compartments with available seats, but Susan found all of their occupants to be unbearably normal.

She had only been able to sit with Harry Potter and Ron Weasley for twenty minutes, before she thought she might strangle the Boy-Who-Lived.

Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom were so boring that she had to rush out of the compartment without even a word of good-bye to prevent herself from stabbing them with her wand.

Now she stood in front of a compartment, with a broken door, where two boys sat arguing.

"Please let these people be tolerable," Susan said to herself before stepping in.

"Hello, my name is Susan Bones. Would it be alright if I sat with you?" Susan asked the two boys.

"Sure. I'm Justin. Zacharias here doesn't think wizards can run through walls, but I'm trying to tell him that maybe it just doesn't work with glass doors. Is this your first year at Hogwarts? It's my first year here. I'm a muggleborn, I didn't even know about magic until a couple of months ago. An owl came to our house, and gave me a letter. The only problem is that I can't remember where he kept the letter. When I get to Hogwarts I'm going to try to find out. Maybe it goes up his—"

"You can stay," Zacharias said coldly. "On the condition that you keep _him_ from bothering me."

"Alright," Susan said with a smile. This was the compartment from heaven!

Justin was funny, talkative, and one of the most mentally incompetent people Susan had ever met—he might even compare to her parents as far as insanity went.

Zacharias was moody, intolerant, and THE biggest ass she'd ever met. That alone made him so unusual, so far from normal, that Susan liked him instantly.

'My first friends,' Susan thought.

"Do I hear screaming?" asked Justin.

"You're probably imagining it, stupid," growled Zacharias. "Didn't we reach an agreement, Susan: you keep him from talking to me, and you can stay."

"Wait, I think I hear it too," said Susan. "It sounds to me like a fight of some sort."

"Well c'mon guys, let's check it out!" said Justin. "It'll be like an adventure."

Susan and Justin got up. Justin was humming the music from Mission Impossible.

"Aren't you coming, Zacharias," asked Susan. "It sounds like somebody's dying."

"Well…" the thought of somebody being killed did interest him. "Alright."

The three went to investigate the scene.

"Die Chipmunk! DIE!" a blonde girl screamed as she squirted another girl with what looked like Windex.

The other girl, who had big teeth and frizzy hair screamed in agony.

A chubby boy next to the two was desperately trying to convince the blonde girl to get off the other girl.

"Hannah, I'm telling you, she is not a chipmunk. Hannah stop, you're going to get in trouble."

Obviously, his attempts were not producing results. Hannah continued to assault the girl with Windex. The others decided to help stop the fight as well.

"Hey, if you stop, ya know, killing her, I'll show you how to run through doors."

"You do realize that your fight is disturbing the peace, and I think that's kind of annoying so if you could, like, stop, uh that would be great."

Susan, who was more experienced with insane outbursts knew just what to do.

"Hannah, the Windex is working; she's dead now," and to the other girl, "Just play dead, she'll leave you alone."

Hannah released the girl, who crawled out of the room when Hannah looked away.

"Thanks guys," Ernie said to the Susan, Justin, and Zacharias. "She saw the girl, and just flipped out. It was weird."

"You're welcome," said Susan.

"Whatever," replied Zacharias.

"Do you know where owls carry letters?" asked Justin.

"They carry them with their feet," Hannah said. She had apparently recovered from her violent outburst, and was now back to her cheerful self. "I like owls because they eat rodents, and chipmunks are rodents, and I HATE CHIPMUNKS."

"About that, Hannah, back there… well that girl wasn't a chipmunk, she was a person," Ernie said.

"But she looked like a chipmunk," Hannah said.

"She did resemble a chipmunk," Zacharias agreed, for the sake of insulting the girl.

"Well, some people are just weird-looking, Hannah," Ernie assured her. "But just because people may resemble animals, doesn't mean they are animals."

"Hmmm…" Hannah considered this. "I think I've learned a valuable lesson."

"From now on, if they don't die when you squirt them, assume that they are not chipmunks," added Susan.

"So, are you all first years?" Ernie asked Susan, Justin, and Zacharias.

"Yes," Zacharias said. "I take it that you two are too. Great…" he added sarcastilly. Just what he needed, more loonies.

"This is the start of a beautiful friendship," Susan concluded sentimentally.

**That is the second chapter in my story, The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. Please review and tell me what you think.**

**I'd like to thank salvaje, Scision, xMrsPeteWentzx, NickyFox13, and Born2Bblond for their reviews. **

**Thank you NickyFox13 for informing me about the mistake I made with the age difference between Zacharias and the other four characters. However, I've decided I'll keep him in the story. But I do think I'll try to incorporate the mistake into the story somewhere. Thanks again for the correction and the review!**

**Next chapter, we will get to see the sorting… what the Sorting Hat had to say about our Hufflepuff friends, and the truth behind his decision.**

**L.lulu**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.**

**The Sorting**

Ernie Macmillan, Hannah Abbot, Susan Bones, Justin Flinch-Fletchely, and Ernie Macmillan all sat together in the boat. Justin had insisted.

"But you guys are my best friends," Justin said. "I want to be with you all the time, and get to know you, and talk about wizard stuff."

His lip had trembled when they had told him that there was a four person limit on the boats, and that there were five of them.

Even surly Zacharias had to give in to Justin's sad puppy-dog eyes.

So the five new friends sat together on the four person boat. Conveniently, there was a thunderstorm that night, making the boat thrash in the violent water.

"Are you okay, Ernie?" Susan asked. "You look kind of green."

"You're not going to throw up, are you?" Zacharias asked.

"I'm just nervous about the sorting," Ernie confided. "You see, my parents really want me to get into Gryffindor."

The all laughed at their friend.

"Ernie, I told you, there's no way _you_ could get into Gryffindor," Hannah said, laughing.

"There is no chance in hell. I mean, Voldemort has a better chance than you," Zacharias said.

"Yeah, Voldemort. Hey, who's Voldemort. That's a funny name," Justin said.

Susan, who did feel a bit sorry for Ernie, tried to reassure her new friend, "Well, maybe you could get in, I mean there's always a chance"—she broke off laughing. "I'm sorry, it's just, _you_ getting into Gryffindor. Okay. Okay. I'm good now, I'm sorry Ernie, maybe you could" –Susan was struck by another bout of laughter.

Because of his own fear, and his hurt over his friends' insensitivity, Ernie began to cry.

The other four, unfortunately, could not stop laughing.

Between, the four's laughter, and Ernie's sobbing, and the fact that the boat was over its weight limit, the boat began to shake. Suddenly, it tipped over.

"Oh no, I'm gonna die!" shrieked Hannah.

"This is all your guys' fault for laughing at me," Ernie, still crying, said.

"Well, this isn't good, is it?" Susan declared.

"This is just like Six Flags!" Justin squealed happily.

"I'm being felt up!" shouted Zacharias. "Which one of you perverts is touching me?"

"It's the giant squid!" said Susan.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Hannah screamed.

"No, it's okay. He's rescuing us," Susan said.

The giants squid grabbed each of them, and swam them to shore.

"I didn't know Hogwarts had such cool rides," commented Justin.

**GIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUIDGIANTSQUID**

"I'm so nervous, I'm so nervous. If I don't get into Gryffindor, my life is over: my parents will kill me, I'll never meet any of the expectations set for me, I will dishonor my entire living family and all my ancestors," Ernie cried. "I need to get into Gryffindor."

Zacharias, Justin, Susan, and Hannah all laughed at Ernie.

"_HANNAH ABBOT_," Professor McGoagall called.

"I'm so nervous, I'm so nervous. Ernie, I could use a little emotional support!"

Ernie looked at Hannah incredulously, "You just laughed at my emotional breakdown!"

"Hannah Abbot, get your ass us here and put on the hat," Professor McGonagall called.

Hannah walked up to the front of the Great Hall and Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat on her head.

"Hmmm," the Sorting Hat said. "Where should I put you? Gryffindor's out; seeing as you feel the need to compulsively spray people and things with Windex whenever chipmunks are mentioned."

"It's chipmunk repellant!" Hannah cried indignantly.

"SILENCE!"

"Ahhh!" Hannah screamed.

"Yeah, see what I mean about the lack of bravery thing," the Sorting Hat said. "Sorry kid. Same for Ravenclaw; I mean, I know Granger is as ugly as hell, but to actually mistake her for a rodent does not show a lot of intelligence."

"Can I at least be in Slytherin, they like snakes, and snakes eat chipmunks," Hannah said. Before the Sorting Hat could cut her off, she added, "And don't say I'm not evil enough! I just laughed at Ernie when he was having an emotional breakdown. DOESN'T THAT COUNT FOR SOMETHING?"

"One: there are no actual snakes in Slytherin except the basilisk, and you don't get to find out about him until next year when he almost kills Justin. Two: there are no chipmunks at Hogwarts. Three: let's talk about Ernie. I saw you two standing in line, and there's obviously something going on there, if ya know what I mean."

"No, I'm not sure what you mean," Hannah cried.

"I think you do Hannah. Don't you have a strange feeling when Ernie walks into a room?" asked the Sorting Hat.

"Well, I guess maybe, a little…"

"Do you ever want to kiss him?" asked the Sorting Hat.

"Promise not to tell, but yes, kind of, a little…" Hannah giggled.

"Do you ever want to do more?" the Sorting Hat asked.

"I don't know what you mean," Hannah said, a little uncomfortable.

"Yes you do Hannah," the Sorting Hat continued. "You want to be alone in a room with Ernie. You want to do things with him. You want me to watch."

"EWWW. I'm eleven, you pervert," Hannah shrieked.

"Well, anyway, my decision is final, you belong in:

"_HUFFLEPUFF_!"

**SORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTING**

"_SUSAN BONES_!"

Susan walked up to the Sorting Hat. Professor McGonagall placed it on her head.

"Alright, Susan, let's see where you belong," the Sorting Hat continued. "Uhhh, well, you know, you're not really talked about in the book."

"Huh?"

"Well you know, I kind of read up on the characters before I sort them, and you're only mentioned a couple of times. You see, the truth is, you're not really important to the story."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about."

"Oh, you know what I'm talking about, Susan," the Sorting Hat went on. "Denial won't do any good. The only reason you're even in the book is because you're Aunt helps Harry Potter out in the fifth book."

"Oh my gosh, you're right," Susan said, tearing up.

"It's alright, Susan, let it out," the Sorting Hat said gently. "I'm going to put you where J.K. Rowling instructs me to put all the unimportant characters. And if you ever need to talk, come visit me… alone."

"Alright," Susan sniffled.

"_HUFFLEPUFF_!"

**SORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTING**

"_JUSTIN FLINCH-FLETCHELY_!"

Justin eagerly walked up to the Sorting Hat, and McGonagall put it on his head.

"Where should we put you, Justin?" the Sorting Hat wondered.

"Oh my gosh, a talking hat," Justin cried out. "My mum says that inanimate objects aren't supposed to talk, but I always told her she was wrong. Hey, can I bring you home this Christmas? Then I can prove to mum that I was right!"

"Uh, no," the Sorting Hat said. "Yup, Ravenclaw's definitely out. You don't strike me as particularly evil, so it's a 'no' to Slytherin. That leaves Gryffindor and Hufflepuff."

"Ooh! I could be in Gryffindor, I'm brave and stuff."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it brave," the Sorting Hat said. "You see, what could be mistaken for bravery, is actually stupidity. If you had any concept of what danger was, I doubt you would be brave. So I guess you can't be in Gryffindor."

"I suppose you are loyal—you latched on to people like a freaky parasite, and that quality is why I'm putting you in

"_HUFFLEPUFF_!"

**SORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTING**

"_ERNIE MACMILLAN_!"

Ernie shakily walked up to the Sorting Hat. It was placed on his head.

"Ernie, Ernie, Ernie," the Sorting Hat said. "Now, a little birdie told me that you want to go to Gryffindor."

"Well, why shouldn't I?" Ernie cried.

"Ernie, come on now. Have you looked in mirror?" the Sorting Hat said. "Now it's painfully obvious that you belong in Hufflepuff."

"I know," Ernie said, his voice cracking as he tried to suppress a sob. "But my parents are going to kill me if I don't get into Gryffindor."

"Well, I'm sorry Ernie, but it's out of my hands," the Sorting Hat said.

"Not it isn't!" Ernie cried. "You just put Neville Longbottom in Gryffindor. He's even more Hufflelpuff-ish than I am!"

"Yeah, but," the Sorting Hat said. "His gran'll kill him."

"My parents will rip out my large intestines and use it to strangle me!"

"But your small intestines is actually longer, so wouldn't it be more effective for strangulation?" the Sorting Hat asked.

Ernie ignored him. "How am I any different from Neville?"

"Neville has a homicidal grandmother _and_ his parents are dead. You've only got homicidal parents. Case closed. You're going to:

"No!"

"_HUFFLEPUFF_!"

**SORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTING**

"_ZACHARIAS SMITH_!"

Zacharias walked up to the Sorting Hat, which McGonagall placed on his head.

"Alright, Zacharias, I think I know where to put you," the Sorting Hat said.

"I know, Slytherin," Zacharias said. "I can't wait. Slytherins, to me, seem mildly tolerable. At least get me out of the company of those Hufflepuff freaks I've been spending time with."

"Actually, I think Hufflepuff would be good for you."

"What?!?!" Zacharias yelled. "You can't be serious."

"Don't I look serious," the Sorting Hat said.

"Uh, no. How can I tell whether or not you look serious based on the inside of you?"

"Well, that's not important," the Sorting Hat said. "The thing is, you're not really evil."

"I'm not really evil?"

"You're not really evil."

"But, but," Zacharias sputtered. "How can I NOT be evil?"

"Well, you're just bitter and sarcastic; you're sort of like an angst-ridden teenager, only you're eleven (come to think of it, aren't you supposed to be older?). Think Harry Potter in four years."

"But, how does that make me loyal?" asked Zacharias. "Couldn't I still be in Ravenclaw or something."

"Well, that's the thing," the Sorting Hat said. "You do possess a lot of Ravenclaw qualities, mostly your antisocial-ness."

"Antisocial-ness isn't a word," Zacharias corrected.

"And your know-it-all-ness," the Sorting Hat went on. "The thing is, this year, I thought I'd put some kids in houses they don't belong in, for the sake of the plot. Like, I put Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom in Gryffindor. J. K. Rowling made me."

"But why me?" asked Zacharias. "What good does it do to put me in Hufflepuff?"

"Well, you need to make friends, Zacharias," the Sorting Hat said. "And Hufflepuffs are friendly, they already like you—and take it from me, you're not exactly easy to like."

"Great," said Zacharias sarcastically.

"So I guess you're going to:

"_HUFFLEPUFF_!"

**SORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTING**

"Can you believe we're all in Hufflepuff?" asked Susan.

"I know. Seriously, how convenient is that?" Ernie said. "We all meet on the train, and bonded and stuff, and now we're in the same house."

"I think it's weird. It's like there's a higher power that set the circumstances up exactly right," Zacharias commented.

"Like God?" Hannah asked.

"I actually meant like some deranged author who spends her weekends writing stories about insignificant characters who are totally to irrelevant to the book they're about," Zacharias said.

"That's just crazy, Zacharias," Justin said. "Hey look, a brick wall. I'm gonna see if I can run through it."

"I think that it's fate," Susan declared.

**SORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTINGSORTING**

**That ends the third chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. I hoped you liked it. Reviews are always appreciated.**

**Stay tuned for the next chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.**

**Chapter Four: Caffeine and Howlers; the First Breakfast at Hogwarts**

The five Hufflepuffs sat at the end of the Hufflepuff Table. Four of the five were asleep. The reason: It was seven o'clock in the morning, and they had spent every day of their summers sleeping until noon. Therefore, at seven o'clock, the four were in a comatose state.

But a certain Hufflepuff named Hannah Abbot, was not asleep. She was completely awake, chatting to her four unconscious friends.

"…Can you believe he said that, guys?" asked Hannah. "I mean, I know he doesn't pose much of a threat—with him not having arms or legs or genitals and things, but I seriously think the Sorting Hat is a sexual predator." 

The four did not respond, as they were asleep.

"But at least he put me I the same house as you guys. You _are_ good listeners," Hannah continued. "I will admit though, I was a little bit nervous when I found out the Hufflepuff mascot was a badger. Badgers look a little bit like chipmunks when you squint your eyes—I was so afraid when I saw the chipmunk-girl yesterday. AHHH! She's over there. She's not a real chipmunk. She's not a real chipmunk."

"Hannah shut up," groaned Zacharias.

"That's a rude thing to say Zacharias. But I'll let it go because you're a rude person," Hannah sniffed.

"SHUT UP HANNAH!" Zacharias, Susan, Ernie, and Justin yelled.

"You know, Hufflepuffs need to have nice personalities to make up for not being talented, and you guys don't exactly strike me as friendly right now…"

"Hannah, how is it possible for anyone to be friendly at SEVEN IN THE MORNING?" Ernie growled.

"We would appreciate knowing your secret," Susan moaned.

"I drink coffee, sillies," Hannah exclaimed.

"Where did you get coffee?" asked Zacharias.

"House elves," Hannah answered. "I've got some right here." Hannah pulled a pot of coffee out of nowhere.

"You're eleven," Ernie said.

"So are all of you," Hannah stated. "Except, Zacharias, aren't you supposed to be like two years older than us?"

"The stupid author forget that when she wrote the story," Zacharias replied matter-of-factly.

"Hannah, caffeine isn't good for you," Susan said.

"It makes you short," Ernie said. "Plus, it's a mood-altering drug; no wonder you're so weird and hyper and stuff."

"Can I have some?" Justin asked.

"Sure," Hannah said, offering the coffee to her friend.

"NOOOOO…" Zacharias called.

The pot was in Justin's hand.

"…OHHHHH…"

He was drinking it.

"…OHHHHH."

The coffee was gone.

"This is bad," Ernie declared.

"This will be catastrophic," added Susan.

"It's going to be the apocalypse," Zacharias stated. He turned to Hannah, and hissed, "You…"

"Yes?" asked Hannah.

"You did this," Zacharias accused.

"What did I do?" Hannah asked.

Zacharias ignored the question, now focusing on Justin, whom he was sure would spontaneously combust… or something.

"Justin?" Ernie asked.

Justin stared blankly, unresponsively.

"Justin?" Susan asked.

Justin twitched.

"Justin?" Zacharias asked, genuinely frightened.

"Nothing's happening, I don't know why you were so worried Zacharias," Hannah said. "You know, you shouldn't worry so much."

"HEY GUYS, ISN'T IT SUCH AN AWESOME MORNING!" Justin said, about five times louder and faster than he usually spoke. "HEY, I FORGOT WHERE THE OWL KEEPS THE LETTER, SO I'LL GO FIND OUT. HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN WALK THROUGH WALLS. MAYBE IT ONLY WORKS IF I GO REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FAST. I'LL GO TRY. BYE GUYS!"

Justin ran off somewhere, most likely the owlery.

"That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," Zacharias said. "You know, the author really spent a lot of time trying to build suspense for that moment, but it really wasn't very interesting."

"You and your 'author' theories, Zacharias," Ernie shook his head.

Then he sighed.

Zacharias, Susan, and Hannah began munching on toast.

Ernie sighed again, this time more dramatically.

Zacharias took a sip of pumpkin juice and gagged. "What the fuck is this shit? Pumpkin juice! Who drinks this? Is Dumbledore trying to kill us?"

Ernie sighed so dramatically, that he started sneezing.

"Ernie! You're getting your germs on my toast. Gosh, you've got such bad manners," Hannah shrieked.

"Isn't anyone going to ask me what's wrong?" asked Ernie.

"Are you dying?" Zacharias asked.

"What? No!" Ernie exclaimed.

"Damnit," said Zacharias. "Well if you aren't dying I really don't care what the hell you have to say."

"Zacharias, you really shouldn't swear at the breakfast table," Susan said.

"'Hell' isn't really a swear word," Hannah said.

"No, I meant when he said 'damnit,'" Susan clarified.

"Well you just said it, so doesn't that make you a hypocrite…"

"Guys!" screamed Ernie.

"What?" they shouted back.

"No one's paying attention to me," Ernie said.

"Quit being so needy," Zacharias said.

"Yes Ernie," Susan added. "Didn't you read my Myspace profile? Though I enjoy eccentricity, one of my turn-offs is guys who are high maintenance."

When Ernie discovered no one was going to ask him what was troubling him, he decided to just tell them.

"I'm worried about how my parents will react to my getting into Hufflepuff," Ernie confided.

"Why?" asked Hannah.

"I've told you guys like a million times. Seriously, you _don't_ listen," Ernie said exasperated. "They're hell-bent on me getting into Gryffindor."

The three snorted with laughter at the idea of Ernie getting into Gryffindor.

"I'm in distress over here, yet you continue to laugh at that!" Ernie cried.

"_You_ getting into Gryffindor," laughed Zacharias.

"Sorry, Ernie, but you have to admit, it is pretty funny," Susan said.

"Funnier than me drinking coffee," Justin added.

"Where'd you come from, Justin?" Hannah asked.

"Owlery."

"You seem to have sobered up," Susan observed.

"Yeah, well, the author must have decided that the idea of Justin getting hyper off of coffee just wasn't as funny as she'd imagined," Zacharias said.

"How is this situation at all funny?" Ernie said, bringing the spotlight back on him. "My parents threatened to rip out my large intestines and use it to strangle me."

"But Ernie," Justin said. "The small intestine is, in actuality, longer than the large intestine. So, therefore, the small intestine would be more effective for—"

"Can we not focus on which of my innards would be better to kill me with, and instead would you guys please offer a little bit of moral support?" yelled Ernie.

"Ummm, okay," Hannah said. "We could do that. Can't we guys?"

"Sure, Ernie," Susan added. "We're, like, here for you. Zacharias, Justin, wouldn't you two like to add anything."

"We don't want to compromise our manliness…"

"SAY SOMETHING SUPPORTIVE!" Hannah ordered.

"We're here for you, Ernie," Justin said.

"Ditto," grumbled Zacharias.

There was an awkward silence. Hannah, Susan, Justin, and Zacharias stared uncomfortably at their toast.

Ernie sighed, "Fine guys, go ahead laugh."

"IT'S JUST SO FUNNY!" Hannah laughed. The others giggled, while Ernie put his head in his hands and cried to himself about his impending de-intestine-ing and strangulation.

Suddenly, an owl swooped over their table, dropping a read envelope in front of Ernie.

"Oh no," Ernie said, as the red envelope sizzled.

"Oooh, lookee!" Justin exclaimed. "The owl dropped it out of its feet. That would explain why Hedwig got so pissed off."

"Omigod, omigod," Ernie yelped. "OMIGOD, OMIGOD."

"You should probably open that," Susan offered.

"Yeah," Hannah said, discreetly spraying it with Windex.

It was that day that the five would forever remember as the day that they learned that Windex and howlers don't mix well. Apparently, Windex causes howlers to blow up.

_BOOM!!!_

"ERNESTO MACMILLAN! YOU HAVE DISHONORED THE FAMILY NAME. EVERY PERSON IN THE MACMILLAN FAMILY FOR THE PAST ONE THOUSAND YEARS HAS GOTTEN INTO GRYFFINDOR. I PROMISED YOU THERE WOULD BE CONSEQUENCES IF YOU DID NOT GET INTO GRYFFINDOR.

"**BY THE WAY, YOUR MOTHER AND I TOOK WHAT YOU SAID INTO CONSIDERATION. WE HAVE DECIDED TO STRANGLE YOU WITH YOU SMALL INTESTINE RATHER THAN YOUR LARGE INTESTINE.**"

"Oh, that's not good, is it?" asked Susan. "Can you pass the pancakes?"

"You're names _Ernesto_?" Zacharias laughed. "Where did they come up with that?"

"You're one to talk, _Zacharias_," Ernie grumbled.

"I think it's unfair of them," Hannah said.

"What? You're offering me moral support?" Ernie asked. "OH, THANK YOU! Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"I mean, seriously," Hannah said. "_You_ getting into Gryffindor." She laughed.

Ernie smiled. Even if they were still laughing at his un-Gryffindor-ness, Ernie was grateful for the support (or what was close to support) that they were giving him.

"Haha. Ernesto," Justin laughed.

"Well, they're probably disown me—after they finish physically and emotionally abusing me," Ernie sighed.

"Lucky…" mumbled Zacharias.

"You don't need them Ernie," Justin said.

"You have us now," added Hannah.

"We'll be your family," Susan concluded.

**That ends this chapter, and so begins to first of many interesting days the Hufflepuff clan will have at Hogwarts.**

**I'm not in love with this chapter and I know it's not one of my best. I'm still trying to get the hang of writing humor, so if you see anything you think could be done better I'd appreciate you pointing it out—don't be afraid to tear me to pieces; that's the best way for me to know what I'm doing wrong and improve. **

**Thank you to all my loyal reviewers! Your thoughts really help me, and any suggestions you have would be great. I haven't been getting a lot of reviews recently, so if there are any new readers I'd love to here your comments—good or bad.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**L.lulu**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.**

**Chapter Five: Game Show**

"Classes, classes, classes!" sang Justin. "This is gonna be awesome guys. I love classes. My teachers at my old school said I was really enthusiastic, so I got to go to SPECIAL CLASSES!"

"What do we have first?" Susan asked.

"Uh," Ernie fumbled in his bag for his timetable. "Aha. Potions with the Ravenclaws."

"OH NO!!!" Justin, Susan, Hannah and Zacharias yelled.

"What's with the 'oh no' guys?" Ernie asked.

"Ravenclaws…" Hannah hissed.

"I thought everyone hated the Slytherins. Aren't the Ravenclaws supposed to be our friends?" Ernie asked.

"Gosh Ernie!" Hannah groaned. "You know, just because you resent the Hufflepuff house for being the reason your parents are going to kill you, doesn't mean you shouldn't get to know the history about it."

"What are you talking about?" Ernie asked.

"Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws are mortal enemies, stupid!" Zacharias explained.

"Since when?" Ernie asked. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Everybody knows," piped in Justin. "It all started when Hogwarts was founded back a jillion years ago."

"You see," Susan said. "Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw were both smitten with Godric Gryffindor."

"_They bit him_?" asked Justin. "I didn't know our founders were so kinky."

"Smitten, Justin," Susan corrected. "In love, infatuated, etc."

"Who says 'smitten,' Susan?" Zacharias asked. "Gosh you're a loser."

"Yeah Susan, tell it right," added Hannah. "MY TURN TO NARRATE!"

"Just get on with it," Ernie said.

"Okay, so like, Helga told Rowena she likes Godric—they're BFFs at the time. But then, the next day, Rowena was all flirting with him—THE SLUT, and Helga was all 'oh no she DIDN'T' so she spread a rumor that Rowena was sleeping with Salazar Slytherin—(seriously, _who _would sleep with him), and then Rowena spread a rumor that Helga was born a biological man."

"So what's the point?" Ernie asked.

"The point is, Ernie," Hannah said. "That Ravenclaws are sluts. We do not associate with them."

Padma Patil walked past the group.

"_SLUT!_" Hannah screamed.

"_MAN!_" the Padma yelled back.

"How come I never noticed this before?" Ernie asked.

"It's not included in the book because the J. K. Rowling decided we weren't 'important' enough to have rivals," Zacharias sneered.

"Zacharias, all your mumbo jumbo about authors is just crazy," Hannah declared, before chasing after a Ravenclaw to fight about a disagreement that had occurred one thousand years ago.

**POTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONSPOTIONS**

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making," Professor Snape began. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses… I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death – if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."

Hannah raised her hand.

"What?" Snape growled.

"I have a question," Hannah said.

"Well I believe that the fact that you were waving your hand in the air has established that," Snape said harshly.

"Yes, well, Justin sometimes waves his hands in the air for no reason… he just thinks it's fun," Hannah explained. "And I just wanted to clarify that my hand-waving indeed has a purpose…"

"JUST STATE YOUR STUPID QUESTION BEFORE I UNLEASH A BASILISK ON YOU ALL!" Snape roared. "Hmmm… basilisk. That's a good idea. I should tell that to the master. He's always looking for creative new ways to kill people…"

"Okay, so well, I couldn't help noticing that you gave us the exact same speech that you gave the Gryffindors and Slytherins," Hannah said.

"Yes," Snape said impatiently.

"Well, I just don't think you should treat our class the same," Hannah said.

"And why not, Miss Abbot?" Snape demanded.

"Think about it Professor," Hannah said. "You treat the Gryffindors like crap and the Slytherins like… not crap."

"So?"

"You hate Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws equally," Hannah said. "So therefore, you should teach the class different. Unless…"

"Unless what?" snapped Snape.

"Unless you decide that Hufflepuffs are your new favorite!" Hannah declared.

"Hey no fair!" a Ravenclaw yelled. "We should be his favorite." 

"Hmmm…" Professor Snape said. "You have a point. I should pick a favorite. But which house to choose?"

"We could have a contest to see which house is more worthy," Ernie considered.

"Fight each other to the death!" Snape yelped ecstatically.

"Ummm, that doesn't sound like fun," Hannah said.

"You may be right, I did get into some trouble for doing that last year," Snape said. "But, then again, I think Dumbledore was just mad that I didn't invite him and the rest of the staff."

"I KNOW! I KNOW!" Justin exclaimed. "We could have a game show!"

**GAMESHOWGAMESHOWGAMESHOWGAMESHOWGAMESHOWGAMESHOW**

"Why did we let Justin be the host again?" Zacharias asked.

"It's only fair, Zacharias. He did think of it," Susan said.

"It seems that this is the only solution that won't get me fired," Snape grumbled resentfully. "However I wasn't aware that mudbloods had such entertaining methods of solving arguments. Maybe I should tell my master not to kill them…"

"AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER GRIPPING EPISODE OF _'SO YOU WANT TO BE SNAPE'S FAVORITE,'_" Justin began. "I'm your host, Justin Flinch-Fletchely.

"On the Ravenclaw team we have Terry Boot, Padma Patil, Anthony Goldstein, and Lisa Turpin.

"On the Hufflepuff team we have Hannah Abbot, Susan Bones, Ernie Macmillan, Zacharias Smith, and of course me.

"In our first round, Professor Snape will ask Ravenclaw, Padma Patil, and Hufflepuff Hannah Abbot a question."

"Alright," Snape said. "What is my favorite hobby?" 

"Figure skating?" Padma guessed.

"That's dumb, Patil," Hannah sneered. "Knitting."

"You're both wrong," Snape said.

"Of course they're wrong," Zacharias said. "Seriously, Hannah. _Knitting_? It's obviously potion brewing."

"You're wrong too!" Snape cried. "You know, I do have a life outside of this school."

"I knew it!" Justin said. "You lead a secret life as a vampire."

"No I AM NOT A VAMPIRE," Snape snapped. "I don't know who spread that rumor—children can be so cruel. Anyway, my hobby is singing… I aspire to one day get on to American Idol!"

"Omigod, you like that show, too," Justin cried.

"Why would you want to be on a muggle American show?" Ernie asked.

"It's not all muggles," Justin said. "Half the contestants are wizards. How else would they sing so bad."

"You just insulted the show!" Snape cried. "Hufflepuff loses five points." 

"House points?" Zacharias asked.

"No game show points," Snape said.

"No!" Hannah shrieked. She turned to Padma, "This is your fault, SLUT!"

"How is this _my _fault, you MAN?" Padma asked. "It's your teammate who's an idiot."

"It's time for the second round of _'So You Want To Be Snape's Favorite_,'" Justin piped in on cue. "Now it's Ravenclaw, Anthony Goldstein, facing off against Hufflepuff, Ernie Macmillan."

"Terrific!" Zacharias grumbled. "Like Ernie's gonna win us any points." 

"Hey!"

"Well, face it Ernie," Susan said. "You're not good at anything."

"You people have known me for two days! How could you have possibly concluded that?" Ernie demanded.

"What's my favorite color?" Snape asked.

"Black!" the Anthony and Ernie said in unison.

"Why does everyone always assume that it's black?" Snape asked. "For your information, I like purple."

"Purple?" asked Susan.

"Yes, I think purple expresses my individuality," Snape said. "No game show points to anyone!"

"Nice going Ernie," the four Hufflepuffs glared at Ernie.

"Hey! No one yelled at Justin when he lost us points," Ernie said.

"Come on Ernie," Hannah said.

"You know that Justin is…" Susan mentally searched for a word. "Challenged."

"How can you expect him _not_ to mess up," Zacharias said, being uncharacteristically sensitive to Justin's… challenges. "What's your excuse."

"My parents are emotionally and physically abusive," Ernie said. "That must have messed me up just a little. I mean, I have very little self-confidence, I don't feel worthy of love, I cry myself to sleep every night…"

"Ernie, that excuse is starting to get old," Hannah declared.

Ernie sulked.

"For our next round, we have Lisa Turpin from Ravenclaw against Susan Bones from Hufflepuff."

"Hello, I'm Susan," Susan said to Lisa. "It's nice to meet you, and I'd like to say beforehand that I hope we can be friends afterward, and I hope that the best girl wins…"

"MAN!" Lisa cried at Susan.

"You're goin' down bitch!" Susan screamed.

"CAT FIGHT!" the Sorting Hat popped out of nowhere.

"Sorting Hat," Snape reprimanded. "Do we really need another sexual assault lawsuit." 

The Sorting Hat looked down. "No…" he muttered softly.

"I didn't think so. Now go away, we're having a game show," Snape said.

The Sorting Hat hopped away, looking very sad and pathetic.

"Question Three: Who is my secret love interest?" Snape asked.

"Ummm…" Lisa Turpin struggled to find an answer. "You're in love with Professor McGonagall."

"You're in love with your mother," Susan said.

"Susan, you choose now of all times to start telling 'your mom' jokes!" Zacharias cried.

"How… how did you know?" Snape asked.

"I kind of guessed," Susan said. "When in doubt, look to Sigmund Freud."

"Five points to Hufflepuff team," Snape said begrudgingly. "Not to be confused with Hufflepuff _house_ points."

"Next up, we have Ravenclaw, Terry Boot, against Hufflepuff, Zacharias Smith," Justin announced.

"_Boot_?" Zacharias laughed.

"_Zacharias_?" Terry retorted.

"You're goin' down you SLUT!" Zacharias yelled.

"No, you're goin' down you MAN!" Terry yelled back.

The stared at each other dumbfounded.

"The Ravenclaw/ Hufflpuff insults don't work on guys," Terry noted.

"Well, the whole thing was about a fight between two chicks," Zacharias said. "Women make such a big deal out of nothing."

"I know!" Terry laughed. "What's up with them? Always screaming at each other because one of them stole the other's lip gloss, or sobbing because their favorite soap opera character is in a coma. And they are so immature: the other day I called Padma a buttface and she got all annoyed at me!"

"This whole thing is because of girls and their drama!" Zacharias said. "You know what? We don't need them!"

"Yeah!" Terry added.

"I'm withdrawing from the competition!" Zacharias shouted at his teammates.

"Me too," Terry said to his teammates.

"Oh no you are NOT Zacharias Smith!" Hannah Abbot yelled.

"Neither are you Terry Boot!" Padma yelled at Terry.

"You can't control me!" Zacharias yelled. "I am not your little monkey puppet who will participate in outrageous game shows just so you can win your girly arguments."

Suddenly Hannah and Susan were standing over Zacharias.

"You will do as you are told," Hannah said in a low, serious growl.

"And you will do it without complaining, and without staging protests," Susan said in an equally scary tone.

For some reason this was extremely intimidating to Zacharias. He just nodded frantically and walked back into the game show.

Terry looked over to Padma and Lisa, and decided it would be better just to do as he was told.

"Question Four: What is my favorite animal?" Snape asked.

"A snake," Zacharias and Terry called in unison.

"Hasn't anyone taken a cue from my other answers?" Snape asked. "My answers are the opposite of what you'd expect them to be. I'm full of surprises! My favorite animal is a chipmunk. They're just SO cute and fluffy and…"

"CHIPMUNKS!" Hannah screamed. She whipped out her Windex. "Where? Where?!?!"

Before, anyone answered, Hannah began spraying Windex all over the room.

Now, when you are in a potions classroom, full of dangerous chemicals and ingredients, it is not a good idea to spray Windex.

Several potions exploded.

"The score is tied, Ravenclaw: zero, Hufflepuff: zero," Justin said. "We must now go into a bonus round! Me against… uh, Ravenclaw does't have anyone else."

"Yeah, how come there are only like, four of us?" Anthony Goldstein asked.

"J. K. Rowling thinks you are just as insignificant as we are," Zacharias said.

"Who?" asked Terry Boot.

"Zacharias sometimes rambles on about imaginary authors," Susan explained. "But he does have a point."

"Yeah, we're equally disregarded by everyone in this school," Ernie said.

"We need to put aside that argument between Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw, and see how much we have in common!" Susan said. "We are both victims here. We are both ignored because we aren't as brave and cool as the Gryffindors, or as evil and bad-ass as the Slytherins."

"You guys are right!" Terry Boot said.

"We should be friends!" Lisa said.

"Let's form an alliance," Anthony said. "Let's no longer be divided. Right here, right now, let us agree to never fight again."

Terry, Lisa, and Anthony shook the hands of Zacharias, Justin, Susan and Ernie. They were all very moved by this realization that they were not alone as outcasts. There were many tears and hugs. However, a certain Hufflepuff, and a certain Ravenclaw did not participate in the treaty.

"Hannah, Padma," Susan prodded. "Don't you two want to shake hands?"

Hannah and Padma walked up to each other. They each lifted up their hand reluctantly, about to shake when…

"SLUT!" Hannah screamed reflexively.

"MAN!" Padma screamed back.

"How dare you call our friend a slut!" Terry, Lisa, and Anthony screamed at Hannah.

"How dare you call our friend a man!" Susan, Ernie, Justin, and Zacharias screamed at Padma.

"Our alliance is officially broken," Terry said to the Hufflepuffs.

"Ditto!" yelled Zacharias.

Both the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws stormed out of the classroom.

"What about our game show?" Snape asked, suddenly enveloped in loneliness.

Someone hopped into the room.

"Want some company?" asked the Sorting Hat.

**ALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCEALLIANCE**

**Thank you for reading the latest installment of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. I was pretty satisfied with this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed it. I personally think that it was an improvement from my last chapter.**

**Thank you NickyFox13 and Goblet-of-fire-gal for your reviews. I am hoping to get more reviews for this chapter. I am new at this genre and any suggestions you can offer me would be a big help. Feel free to give me your honest opinion (and don't be afraid to give me negative feedback. I learn the most from my mistakes.)**

**L.lulu**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter  series or any of its characters.**

**Troll In the Dungeon**

"I hate Hogwarts," Justin said.

Ernie, Hannah, Susan and Zacharias gaped at their curly-haired friend. Justin-- the boy who could be covered head to toe with glass shards, bleeding like mad, and still maintain an optimistic (if sometime deranged) smile on his face—had just said something harsh and negative.

To hear Justin make a negative comment was a rare occasion indeed.

"Why is that, Justin?" Susan asked. She was the first to come out of the shock of hearing Justin use the word "hate."

"Cuz now I can't go trick-or-treating!" Justin whined.

"Trick-or-whatting?" Zacharias asked.

"Ewww… that sounded dirty!" Hannah shrieked.

"Is this some weird thing Justin made up?" Ernie said. "Like Zacharias' 'author' theory?"

"I'm not making it up!" Zacharias yelled indignantly. "Someone is narrating our every move. I just know it… I know it! I KNOW IT!!!"

"Justin is referring to a muggle Halloween custom," Hermione Granger popped up out of nowhere.

"OMIGOD! It's Chipmunk Girl," screamed Hannah. She whipped out her Windex.

"NO HANNAH!" Ernie grabbed the Windex from Hannah's hands. He distinctly remembered how it felt to get Windex in his eyes.

"I have a name you know, and I am not a rodent!" Hermione grumbled.

"Could've fooled me with your teeth," Zacharias commented. "Aren't your parents like _dentists_? Couldn't they do something for that?"

"Trick-or-treating is a Halloween event where muggle children dress up in costumes and venture around there neighborhoods asking their neighbors for candy," Hermione explained.

"What kind of parent would let their child roam the neighborhood in the middle of the night," asked Ernie. "There are some sick people out there that probably live for opportunities like that."

"Then they go to strangers' houses and beg for candy that contains who-knows-what?" Zacharias gawked.

"Not to mention they're disguised in costumes, so if something were to happen to them, it would be nearly impossible to identify them!" Susan exclaimed.

"She's not a real chipmunk… she's not a real chipmunk…" Hannah muttered to herself.

Hermione Granger was surprised. She contemplated what the Hufflepuffs said. Now that she thought of it, their concerns did make a lot of sense. Who knew that _Hufflepuffs_ could make mildly intelligent observations.

"I suppose your observations are mildly intelligent," Hermione said.

"Are you mocking us?" Zacharias asked in an angry tone.

"What?" said Hermione.

"Oh, so you think we didn't pick up on the sarcasm in that last remark?" Zacharias continued. "Nice. That's really nice, Granger. Let's make the Hufflepuffs the butt of our jokes. They won't even notice that we're laughing at them." 

"Zacharias, no, I didn't mean to offend…"

"OH JUST QUIT PRETENDING TO BE NICE!" Zacharias roared. " 'Let's pick on the stupid little Hufflepuffs. They're not smart or talented.' No. Not like the almighty Gryffindors."

"Yeah, Gryffindor," Hannah added. "You know, we can't just have a nice peaceful Halloween without the chipmunk-face Gryffindors rubbing our status as Hufflepuffs in our nose, can we?"

"They're right!" Susan said. "You Gryffindors are all the same. 'Oh, we're so brave, and noble, and terrific.' That does not mean that we're unimportant!"

"No, you're getting the wrong idea," Hermione defended. "I'm not saying you're unimportant. You don't understand…"

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND," Justin chimed in. "I'm so sick of being stereotyped as _DUMB_ just because I'm in Hufflepuff. Who was the one who figured out that wizards possess the ability to run through walls?"

Ernie, meanwhile, watched the argument erupt between his friends and Hermione Granger. He felt like he should say something.

And then, Ernie realized something. His friends all looked like idiots defending their house when Hermione hadn't really insulted them. But they were defending the Hufflepuff house with pride and passion.

And Ernie realized he wanted to be part of that.

"You know what Hermione?" Ernie said. "I don't care what Gryffindor thinks of Hufflepuff. I don't care what Slytherin or Ravenclaw thinks of us either.

"So what if Justin is dumb and has a severe case of undiagnosed ADHD?

"So what if Hannah compulsively sprays people and various non-threatening objects with Windex?

"So what if Susan has a weird fetish for crazy people?

"So what if Zacharias is overly sarcastic and negative, and basically acts like Harry Potter in his fifth year?

"SO WHAT IF I HAVE NO TALENT!

"I am proud to be a Hufflepuff. I'm proud to wear this ugly yellow and black tie. I'm proud to salute to a badger. Because I have friends within this house. Nothing anyone can do or say is going to change that.

"Not you sort-of, kind-of, not-really implying that we're not very smart.

"Not fighting with the Ravenclaws.

"Not even my parents strangling me with my large intestines.

"I AM PROUD TO BE A HUFFLEPUFF!"

"That's very moving and all Ernie," Hermione said. "But I wasn't trying to call you unintelligent."

"Shouldn't you be crying in a bathroom somewhere?!" Zacharias snapped.

Hermione stormed away from the Hufflepuff table.

"Wow Ernie," Susan said. "That was beautiful."

"Oh, Ernie!" squealed Hannah. "I knew you would someday learn to appreciate your inner Hufflepuff."

"Does this mean your not gonna be all whiny and needy from now on?" Zacharias asked hopefully.

"I guess so," Ernie said. "I suppose it takes the spirit of Halloween to make me realize how lucky I am. I have four awesome friends, and we live in a castle, and it's Halloween."

"That's good," Justin added. "Too bad your still not talented, and your parents still hate you, and they plan to rip out your intestines and strangle you with them…"

And as quickly as it began, Ernie's moment of cheerfulness disappeared, and he once again dissolved into tears.

The others, who were well accustomed to Ernie's emotional outbursts, decided to enjoy their feast. It was Halloween, and nothing could bring them down tonight…

**HALLOWEENHALLOWEENHALLOWEENHALLOWEENHALLOWEENHALLOWEEN**

"Troll – in the dungeons – thought you ought to know."

Even after Professor Quirrel dropped to the floor, the students continued to calmly eat their Halloween feast.

"Guys, that's our cue," Susan said.

Zacharias sighed, "I don't know why everyone always expects the Hufflepuffs to be the first ones who panic when these things happen. Honestly, the Gryffindor's are much more melodramatic."

"Yeah, but that would compromise the 'brave and noble' thing they've got going on," Ernie said.

"What do we do?" Justin asked.

"Justin don't talk with your mouth full," Susan said.

"Just run and scream and stuff," Zacharias said. "Hannah, you're good at that. Would you do the honors?"

"I'd love to," Hannah said. She then erupted into hysterics; screaming, running, foaming at the mouth…

Soon, it caught on, and the entire Great Hall was in an uproar.

"Silence!" Dumbledore yelled. He then ordered the prefects to lead the first years to their dormitories.

"Hey guys, which ones are the Hufflepuff prefects?" Ernie asked.

"That's easy. Uhhh…" Zacharias soon realized that he also had no idea. "Cedric Diggory?"

"No, he's only three years older than us," Susan said. "Do we know of any other Hufflepuffs?"

"J. K. Rowling didn't bother writing about them," Zacharias said.

"You know Zacharias," Justin said. "I went to a psychiatrist once, and a little while after I started talking to him he had a nervous breakdown. So after the men in white suits carried him off, I looked through his crazy-peoples book and learned all the different ways you can go nuts—and I think you suffer from paranoid delusions…"

"WHERE DO WE GO?!?!" Hannah panicked.

"I know!" Justin cried.

"You know?" Susan asked.

"Yep!" Justin said. "Follow me."

"When in doubt," Zacharias said. "DO NOT FOLLOW JUSTIN! Guys, he'll probably lead us to the troll, or the Forbidden Forest, or the Sorting Hat…"

Hannah, Susan, and Ernie shuddered at the thought.

"We don't have any other place to go, Zacharias," Susan pointed out.

By now, all the other students had filed out of the Great Hall. Even the teachers had left, paying no attention to the first year Hufflepuffs sitting alone; scared and confused.

"What the hell are the prefects doing?" Zacharias demanded. "Shouldn't they have, like, collected us or something?"

"Stupid Dumbledore probably didn't even bother assigning Hufflepuff prefects!" Ernie said.

"It's J. K. Rowling who didn't assign Hufflepuff prefects. Or it's the other author writing about us who didn't bother to find out if there were prefects…" Zacharias went into a ramble about authors and fan fiction websites.

"Let's just follow Justin!!!" Hannah ordered.

"Fine…" grumbled Zacharias and Ernie.

**TROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLLTROLL**

"Follow the leader… Follow the leader… Follow the leader…" Justin sang.

"Shut up!" Zacharias said. "Have we been going around in circles?"

"Yes," Justin said.

"You said you knew where to go!" Hannah accused him.

Suddenly, Justin turned around.

"Are you following me?"

"What?!"

"You've been following me, haven't you," Justin said. "What kind of sickos are you? Seriously, who follows eleven year olds around? YOU STALKERS!"

"You told us to follow you!"

"Oh, sorry, short term memory loss," Justin said.

Suddenly, he stopped in front of a door.

"We're here!" Justin sang.

"What are you talking about?" Zacharias said. "I've never seen this door before. We're not supposed to be here."

"You're gonna get us eaten by the troll!" Hannah yelled.

Justin started to cry at his friends' lack of faith in him.

"Guys," Susan scolded. "Be nice to poor Justin. Give him a chance."

"Fine," Ernie said. "What's with this room, Justin.

"It's my secret hideout room," Justin said, perking up.

"Since when do you have a secret hideout room?" Hannah asked. "It's October; we haven't even been at Hogwarts for three months."

"I found it," Justin said. "Where do you guys think I go when I'm not with you?"

"When are you not with us?" Zacharias asked. "You're always there. Every time I look over my shoulder: 'there's Justin!' You're like some freaky parasite. When do you find the time to come here?"

"Where do you think I go _at night_?" Justin asked.

"To sleep?" said Ernie. "Like a normal person." 

Justin laughed. "Ernie, you know I'm not normal—you're my friend; I'm surprised you don't know that about me already—anywho, I don't sleep."

"Ever?" Susan asked.

"Nope. Not ever," Justin confirmed.

"Huh," Ernie said. "That explains some things."

"_Some_ things," Zacharias muttered.

"How do we get in?" Hannah asked.

Justin turned the door knob.

"That was simple," Susan said. "I was expecting it to be harder—it being a 'secret' hideout and everything."

"That's what makes it so _genius_," Justin said. "You expect it to be hard to get in, but it's not. It messes with people's heads."

"Okay," Ernie said. "So what's inside?"

They walked into the room. There were: five chairs, and a refrigerator.

"Nice hideout," Zacharias said.

"Thanks," Justin said, immune to the sarcasm.

The five sat in the chairs.

"What's in the refrigerator?" Hannah asked.

"MILKSHAKES!" Justin exclaimed.

"Yay!" the five chorused. It didn't matter that their was a killer troll loose in the building, there was no lock on their door, or that they had just had a gigantic feast—they were eleven year olds, and they had milkshakes. Life could not be better for the five Hufflepuffs.

"So…" Ernie said. "What do we do now?"

"Well," Susan said. "It is Halloween. We could do something Halloween-ish."

"Ghost stories!" Zacharias said. To him, there was nothing more comical than frightening his fellow Hufflepuffs.

"We're all alone in the middle of a one thousand year old castle," Hannah said thoughtfully. "There is a killer troll on the loose, who could come in and eat us at any moment. Hmmm… Ghost stories sound great!"

"MY TURN FIRST! MY TURN FIRST!" Justin yelled. "Okay. Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?" answered Hannah.

"Those are knock-knock jokes," Zacharias said. "Justin isn't doing it right. I'm going first!"

"No fair!" Justin cried. "It's my hideout!"

"Justin has a point," Susan said.

"Just let him go first Zacharias, and then you can have your turn," Ernie suggested, trying desperately to preserve the peace between his friends.

"Fine," Zacharias grumbled.

"_Okay, so this girl was babysitting, and she got a phone call. She picked up the phone and a voice said 'Have you checked the children_?'

"What's a phone?" Hannah asked.

"A thingy-ma-bob that when you pick it up, and put it near your ear, voices talk to you," Justin explained, feeling very important as the only one who understood muggle devices.

"And I thought Zacharias was crazy," Hannah whispered to Ernie.

"Hey! Enough with the calling me crazy!"

"_Anyway the girl hung up the phone, cuz she thought it was some crazy pervert on the other end. Then the weirdo called again_…"

"Justin! You wouldn't be copying this from a muggle movie, would you?" Susan asked suspiciously.

"How'd you know?" Justin asked sheepishly.

"My parents are nuts about those things," Susan explained.

"You're parents enjoy _muggle _entertainment!" Zacharias laughed. "Are they crazy?"

"Yes," Susan answered.

"Oh," Zacharias said. "Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Well, this is awkward," Hannah giggled nervously.

"Oh don't worry about it," Susan said. "I'm actually happy about it. Sane people aren't very interesting."

"That would explain your choice in friends," Zacharias said.

"Since Justin was plagiarizing, can I tell a story?" Hannah asked.

"Hey, I was gonna go next!" Zacharias whined.

"Oh, let her go Zacharias," Ernie said, knowing that Hannah would make a big deal about it if they did not comply with her wishes.

"Fine. I'll throw a dog a bone," muttered Zacharias.

"Did you just call me a dog?" Hannah asked.

"What was that about boners?" Ernie asked.

"Dogs and boners?" Justin said. "Zacharias, gosh, I know you're like two years older than us, but COME ON! Keep the conversation appropriate for eleven year olds."

"But I didn't say…" For once, Zacharias was at loss for words.

"Zacharias, please," Susan said. "I'm in to some freaky shit. But even _I_ don't want to know what your sick mind has conjured up."

Zacharias sulked in his chair, faintly wondering if the author planned that whole outburst just to get him to shut up. Terrific… now he would have to listen to Hannah's story.

"_Once upon the time there was a beautiful princess named Hannah. Hannah lived in a beautiful house, by a beautiful meadow, full of beautiful flowers, that overlooked a beautiful kingdom_…"

"This isn't scary," Justin interrupted. "Although the scenery you described was gorgeous…"

"Shut up!" Hannah snapped. "No interrupting when I tell my story. I'm getting to the scary part."

"_One day, Princess Hannah decided to take a stroll through the beautiful meadow, full of beautiful flowers, overlooking the beautiful kingdom. However, along her walk, she became lost, and found herself in a not-so-beautiful forest. All of a sudden, it popped out: a horrible, bloodthirtsty, gruesome creature; a chipmunk_…"

"AHHH CHIPMUNK!" Hannah screamed. "Kill it, kill it, kill it!"

"Hannah," Ernie said. "It was just a story."

"That _you_ were telling, you crazy person," Zacharias added.

"You know, Zacharias," Susan scolded. "I'm not comfortable with people using 'crazy' as a derogatory term."

"I say it with affection," Zacharias said venomously.

In Susan's mind, she registered the comment as meaning that Zacharias felt affectionately towards Hannah, causing her to feel instantly jealous.

"What? So now you like Hannah better than me Zacharias?" Susan demanded. "Is that it? I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!"

"What?" Zacharias asked.

"What?"

"Did you just say…?"

"No!"

"Are you sure you didn't say…?"

"No!"

"Can we get back to the issue at hand?" Ernie pleaded. Hannah had proceeded to spray every inch of Justin's hideout with Windex.

Suddenly, the door to their hideout swung open. In the doorway stood, none other than, Professor Dumbledore.

The first-year Hufflepuffs stared at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore stared at the Hufflepuffs.

Dumbledore finally broke the silence, "So, ummm… they caught the troll."

"JUSTIN MADE US HIDE HERE!" Hannah shrieked.

"What?" Dumbledore said, dumbfounded.

"Punish Justin! Not me," Hannah said. So much for Hufflepuff loyalty.

"Hey, look," Dumbledore said awkwardly. "I was just looking for the bathroom. Besides, no one really bothers to discipline the Hufflepuffs…"

"Does that mean we're free to go?" Ernie asked.

"Sure…?" Dumbledore said.

The five ran out of the hideout.

"Oooh…!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "Milkshakes!"

**HALLOWEENHALLOWEENHALLOWEENHALLOWEENHALLOWEENHALLOWEEN**

**Thanks for reading my latest chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. This one was very fun to write. Thank you oh.so.sirius., chakka09, Cadence Black, and NickyFox13 for your reviews.**

**As I've said before, any reviews sent to me would be greatly appreciated. I could use any feedback (negative or positive) for my story. I'm hoping this chapter will bring me more reviews.**

**Thanks again for reading.**

**L.lulu**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.**

**Chapter Seven: Quidditch Lessons**

"I can't wait for Quidditch lessons!" cried Justin. "I'm sure you all already know by now, but my running through walls trick still has a few kinks in it. But I have a theory, that if I can build up enough speed, I can run through all sorts of shit…"

No one joined him in his rejoicing.

Hannah had been convinced by her mother that once up in the air, she would be attacked by owls. Although her fear of owls did not even compare to her phobia of chipmunks, Hannah was still paranoid about the idea.

Susan simply had no interest in flying. Everyone played Quidditch. It was so ordinary; so predictable. The concept bored her.

Ernie just plain sucked at Quidditch. As it was, his friends had not problem when it came to pointing out his lack of talent. He was not overjoyed at the idea of letting his severe lack of coordination be displayed before the entire Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw houses.

Zacharias, however, did like Quidditch. It was flying lessons that he feared. The reason: a certain curly-haired Hufflepuff. Zacharias knew all too well that Justin Flynch-Fletchely was a danger to himself and the people around him on the ground. But give him the ability to fly… Zacharias was too afraid to even think of the damage he would inflict while in the air. He just knew that it would not be good.

"Hey, what's with the long faces, guys?" Justin asked. "Aren't you guys happy about Quidditch lessons?"

Justin received a chorus of groans in response to his question.

"The Gryffindors looked like they had fun…" Justin said. "Neville Longbottom was all like '_Whoosh_… _crash_… OMIGOD I broke my freakin' wrist' and then Draco Malfoy was all like 'I'm gonna steal his rememberall…' and then Harry Potter was all 'Oh no he DIDN'T…"

"Yeah," Ernie spat bitterly. "And then the famous Harry Potter got made the youngest seeker in over a century. Why doesn't anything exciting like that ever happen to me."

Hannah patted his hand supportively. "It's because you're not good at anything, Ernie," she said gently, in what she most likely presumed to be a comforting statement.

"Ernie's right," Zacharias said. "The Gryffindors have Quidditch and something cool happens. But J. K. Rowling isn't going to bother to write anything interesting about us."

"I suppose we're just going to have to accept the fact that we're destined to lead boring, miserable lives…" Susan said.

"Listen to yourselves!" Justin said. "All I've been hearing from you lately are complaints. 'Oh, poor miserable me! I have to wear an ugly yellow and black tie' or 'Woe is me, I have no talent and I'm not cool.'

"Whatever happened to Hufflepuff pride?"

The group stared at Justin.

"That was unexpected…" Ernie commented.

"Justin is right, though," Susan said. "We have kinda been wallowing in self-pity a lot recently."

"Well, it does suck being a Hufflepuff," Zacharias pointed out. "Nothing cool ever happens to us…"

"Yeah, but whose fault is that?" Hannah asked. "Cool stuff doesn't fall out of the sky and hit us on the head like it does to the Gryffindors? So what!"

"What are you getting at," Ernie asked.

"We need to take initiative here," Hannah said. "Adventure doesn't come to us—so we have to seek it ourselves."

**FLYINGFLYINGFLYINGFLYINGFLYINGFLYINGFLYINGFLYINGFLYINGFLYING**

The first year Hufflepuffs stood next to their brooms in a line while the Ravenclaws stood across from them.

Madame Hooch began the flying lesson.

"Now, I've decided that there will be no flying today for this first lesson," Madame Hooch said. "After the incident with Longbottom, and the other incident with Potter and Malfoy, I've come to the conclusion that first years lack the maturity and coordination necessary to handle a broomstick. So today, we will simply go over the directions and rules for flying."

Zacharias let out a yell of delight. Justin would not terrorize them on a broomstick for another week!

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Madame Hooch picked up her cell phone.

"I thought electronics weren't supposed to work at Hogwarts," Hannah said. "That's what chipmunk-girl is always yammering about."

"Class!" Madame Hooch said. "I have to go meet with the headmaster. Apparently, I'm facing a lawsuit for leaving first years unattended with broomsticks…"

Madame Hooch walked into the castle.

"But… but…" Justin said, tears welling up in his eyes. "I wanted to fly on the broomstick!"

"Sucks for you," Zacharias said.

"It really isn't fair of Madame Hooch," Hannah said. "She let the Gryffindors ride their broomsticks."

"Another example of favoritism at Hogwarts!" Ernie said.

"What difference does it make?" Susan asked. "Justin was the only one of us who even wanted to ride the broomsticks. The rest of us were dreading it."

"It's the principle of things!" Ernie said. "And it isn't just the broomsticks. We Hufflepuffs get cheated out of everything: we never win the House Cup, we never get to save the school, and we basically never get to do anything fun…"

"Well didn't we vow to take initiative in our lives?" Hannah said. "I think that now is our opportunity to do something adventurous."

**SPONTANEOUSSPONTANEOUSSPONTANEOUSSPONTANEOUSSPONTANEOUS**

"Tell me again," Zacharias said. "Why are we on the roof?"

"It's our pathetic attempt to do something spontaneous and daring," Susan said.

"Yeah, well…" Ernie said. "We're Hufflepuffs! How can anyone expect us to come up with something original or cool?"

"Are you sure the owls won't get me?" Hannah asked nervously.

"Yes Hannah," Ernie said. "For the thirteenth time… the owls are not going to attack you."

"Aren't the Ravenclaws going to tell on us?" Susan asked.

"I took care of that," Zacharias said smugly.

**RAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWS**

Terry Boot, Padma Patil, Anthony Goldstein, and Lisa Turpin sat gagged and tied up. Zacharias, not wanting them to be found and questioned by the teachers, had put them on the third floor.

**RAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWSRAVENCLAWS**

"Wheee!" Justin was whizzing through the air above the roof.

"He's going awfully fast," noted Susan. "Do you think we should stop him?"

"Nah," Zacharias said. He was surprised that Justin maneuvered the broomstick with a moderate amount of skill. "He's better up there in the air than on the roof with us."

"So we're on the roof," Ernie said. "What should we do now?"

"Ghost stories?" Hannah suggested.

"No!" Ernie, Zacharias and Susan chorused.

"I know," Justin popped up from behind Zacharias.

"What the hell?" Zacharias said. "You were just in the…"

"TRUTH OR DARE!" Justin shouted.

"Oooh!" Hannah said. "I love that game."

"Let's play!" Susan said.

"Uhhh… okay," Ernie said.

"No," Zacharias stated.

"Too bad Zacharias," Hannah said. "Four against one. We win. You have to play!"

"You women don't control me…" Zacharias said.

"Yes we do," Susan said. "Now _play_!"

"Justin," Hannah said. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Justin said.

"I dare you to jump off the roof," Zacharias muttered.

"NO! It's my turn to give him the dare," Hannah said. "Justin, I dare you to… kiss Zacharias!"

"NOOO!!!"

But it was too late. Justin lunged across the roof to where Zacharias was sitting. He planted a big, wet, slobbery kiss on Zacharias' forehead.

"I'm still young enough to repress this… I'm still young enough to repress this," Zacharias repeated. "Wait! The author messed up my age when she wrote this story. I'M SCREWED!"

"Oh quit being so dramatic Zacharias," Susan said. "It's not that bad."

"YES IT IS!" Zacharias screamed. "I just got kissed by _Justin_!"

"Why are men so homophobic?" Hannah asked Susan.

"I think…" Justin answered. "That Zacharias is secretly insecure about his sexuality."

"What sexuality?" Zacharias asked. "I'm eleven. Well, not technically—but I'm being referred to as an eleven year old by the author for the sake of convenience…"

"I think you're right, Justin," Susan said. "Zacharias, are you secretly gay?"

"What—NO!" Zacharias said. "_Justin's_ the one who just kissed me. Why aren't you asking him that?"

"I don't have any problems kissing a person of the same sex as me because I'm not insecure about my sexual orientation," Justin said. "That's the same reason why I am able to enjoy interior decorating."

"Fine," Zacharias said. "But I'm still not gay…"

"We know, Zacharias," Susan said. "But you know that if you were gay, none of us would have a problem with it."

"I'm not."

"We're your friends; we're not here to judge…"

"I'm not gay."

"Okay, but if you were…"

"I'm not gay!"

"Susan quit harassing him," Ernie said. "How about you take a turning being the asker-person."

"Alright," Susan agreed. "Ernie… Truth or dare?"

"Ummm…" Ernie comtemplated. "Truth."

"Pansy," coughed Zacharias.

"What was that?" Ernie said.

"He said 'pansy,'" Justin said.

"Hey!" Ernie cried.

"What? Are you surprised?" Zacharias asked. "Seriously, who says 'truth'?"

"He's right you know, Ernie," Susan said.

"Yeah," Hannah added. "Here we are, trying to be all cool and adventurous, and you go with 'truth'."

"What's wrong with 'truth'," Ernie asked.

"It's the safe answer," Susan said. "The appropriate choice would be 'dare'. 'Daring' is a synonym for 'adventurous.'"

"Don't you see the logic behind me calling you a pansy," Zacharias said.

"It is a pretty pansy-ish answer," Justin said. "You actually expected to be in Gryffindor?"

"Fine!" Ernie said, Justin's comment about Gryffindor striking a chord. "I change my answer. 'Dare.'"

"That's cheating," Hannah said. "You can't change answers!"

"Hannah…" Susan said. "I think we should bend the rules just this once. Ernie needs us, his friends, to support him in his struggle to become less of a pansy."

"Thank you!" Ernie said.

"Alright," Susan said. "I dare you to… make out with Hannah."

"Make out with Hannah?" Ernie asked nervously.

"Yay!" Hannah squealed.

The four looked at her.

"I mean, uhhh…" Hannah said. "Damnit! I have to kiss a pansy."

"Nice save, Hannah," Ernie said. "But gosh Susan! I have to kiss _her_!"

"I thought you guys secretly liked each other…" Susan said.

"Why would you think That?!" Ernie and Hannah asked nervously.

"The Sorting Hat told me," Susan said.

"But I'm an eleven-year-old boy!" Ernie said. "And while I think Hannah is a nice person and all… she's a girl and she's icky!"

"Hey!"

"Nothing personal," Ernie added.

"Fine," Susan said. "…pansy."

Ernie groaned. "Fine, I'll do it."

He leaned across to Hannah. Slowly, their faces neared each other.

_SMACK!_

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

"Ernie, you idiot," Hannah said. "You broke my freaking nose!"

"You broke my nose!" Ernie argued.

"It's your fault for having a gigantic nose," Hannah said.

"You have a gigantic nose!"

"No, you do," Hannah said. "And you're a lousy kisser."

"Quit arguing like such an old married couple," Justin said. "Hannah and Ernie sittin' in a tree… K-I-S-S-I-N…"

Hannah punched Justin in the eye.

**HANNAHERNIEHANNAHERNIEHANNAHERNIEHANNAHERNIEHANNAHERNIE**

"Zacharias," Justin said. "Truth or dare."

"Dare," Zacharias said. "And this better not involve kissing."

"I dare you to do the chicken dance," Justin said.

"The chicken dance?" Zacharias said. "That's all? It's a little bit random, but it's not really a dare."

"…While standing on a broomstick," Justin added.

Zacharias was certainly surprised by the actual daringness of the dare. However, to avoid looking like a chicken, he decided to do the chicken dance dare.

"Hit the music!"

A large boom box appeared playing the chicken dance music.

"What's with the boom box?" Zacharias asked. "Why don't you just use an iPOD? They're much more convenient."

"It's the nineties," Susan said. "They aren't invented yet."

"Chipmunk girl is crazy," Hannah said. "These electronics work fine at Hogwarts."

"Get on the freakin' broom and dance, Zacharias," Ernie said.

Zacharias stood on the broom, the da-da-dada-da-da-da of the chicken dance blaring.

He cupped his hands.

He waved arms like wings.

He shook his butt back and forth.

He clapped his hands and…

"AHHH!" Zacharias screamed, falling backwards off his broom. Unfortunately, his broom was hovering above the roof. Subsequently, he fell off the roof of the castle… which was, unfortunately, like seven stories high.

**CHICKENDANCECHICKENDANCECHICKENDANCECHICKENDANCECHICKENDANCE**

"Now how did he break his neck?" Madame Pomfrey questioned the Hufflepuffs.

"Uhhh…" Ernie said. "Unicorn… incident."

"And how did you and Miss Abbot manage to break your noses," Madame Pomfrey asked. "And what about Mr. Flynch-Fletchely's black eye?"

"…It was a really pissed off unicorn," Hannah said.

"And would any of you happen to know why the four Ravenclaw first years were found gagged and bound on the third floor, being attacked by a three headed dog?"

Ernie, Hannah, Susan and Justin looked at Zacharias. "No!" he said quickly.

Madame Pomfrey stared at the five Hufflepuffs. "Well, no one bothers to discipline the Hufflepuffs anyway," she said to herself.

**AUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTE**

**Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm not sure if this one came out as good as I hoped it would. **

**I'm concerned about the responses I received from my last chapter. Mainly the fact that… THERE WEREN'T ANY! Guys, I need reviews to know what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.**

**Please tell me what you think of the chapter. I don't care if you write the meanest review in the world, telling me that I've written the stupidest story in the history of fanfiction. Also, right now I am looking for ideas to base a chapter on. If I use an idea you give me, I will create a small Hufflepuff character after you (yes this is bribery; I am desperate). Any reviews are appreciated.**

**L.lulu**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.**

**This chapter is dedicated to oh.so.sirus., who thought of the plotline for this chapter. The character Victoria is based off of her. Thank you for your idea!**

**Chapter Eight: Defense Against the Dark Arts**

"Defense Against the Dark Arts!" Justin sang. "Did you guys know that the acronym for Defense Against the Dark Arts is 'DADA'. My mom said that was my first word to my dad. Actually, a little bit after I started talking my dad left. Huh. I wonder why."

"We have this class with Gryffindor," Susan groaned.

"NO!" Hannah cried. "Chipmunk girl is in Gryffindor."

"Hermione Granger _is_ annoying," Susan said.

"Yeah," Zacharias said. "She's always coming over here, talking to us about all the smart-ish stuff she knows. Apparently, she has taking it upon herself to help our cause, and 'educate' the Hufflepuffs."

"It's very presumptuous of her," Susan said. "Don't you think so, Ernie?"

"Ernie?" Hannah asked.

Ernie paid no attention to his friends. He was paying attention to a third year Hufflepuff a few seats down the table from them.

"Who's that?" Hannah asked.

"Her name's Victoria," Ernie said, in a dreamy voice. "Isn't she beautiful?"

"I thought you liked Hannah?" Justin said. "You guys almost kissed the other day, except you whacked noses, and then started yelling at each other. Then I started singing '_Hannah_ _and Ernie sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N_'—But I didn't get to say '_G' _because Hannah hit me and gave me a black eye…"

"My heart belongs to Victoria now…" Ernie sighed. "Look at her; she's gorgeous with her flowing blonde hair, her beautiful smile, her charming laugh…"

"Gosh! The way you describe her she sounds like a Mary-Sue," Zacharias said.

"A Mary-what?" Susan asked.

"A Mary-Sue," Zacharias explained. "It's what authors such as the one narrating our story refer to as an OC who becomes the center of a story, and is completely unrealistic…"

"Shut up, Zacharias," Ernie snarled. "Victoria is none of those things… she's perfect and I love her."

Hannah, meanwhile, was fuming. "Victoria can't steal my man! She's just a stupid, dumb blonde."

"Hannah, you're blonde," Susan said. "It's sort of hypocritical to refer to other blondes as dumb."

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON!" Hannah screeched.

"…Yours…" Susan said timidly.

**DADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADA**

"H-h-hello c-c-class," Professor Quirrel stuttered. "T-t-today, we w-w-will learn a-a-about v-v-vampires."

"You know, Professor Quirrel," Justin said. "My last psychiatrist—(the one after the one who had a nervous breakdown)—said that excessive stuttering could be a symptom of an underlying neurological problem."

"Or it could mean he's just a spaz," Zacharias said.

"Zacharias," Susan said. "It's not very kind to refer to a person with a speech impediments as 'spaz.'

"Yeah," Justin said. "It's not a very nice thing to say in general. Last time you called me a spaz, it hurt my feelings."

"C-c-class," Professor Quirrel said. "S-s-settle down. W-w-why don't you p-p-pair up in g-g-groups of t-t-two to r-r-read the first chapter in y-y-your b-b-books."

"I call Zacharias!" Justin said.

"Damnit…" Zacharias cursed.

"I call Ernie!" Hannah said. "That's right Bones, keep your hands off my man. You too, Chipmunk-Girl!"

"Well," Hermione said to Susan. "It seems we're the only ones without partners. Would you like to work together."

"Sure," Susan said with a hint of suspicion due to Hermione's recent attempts to "enlighten" the first year Hufflepuffs.

Around the classroom, the groups of two began to quietly read the chapters.

"Chapter One: Vampires are very dangerous creatures that need to ingest blood (preferably that of a human) in order to function," Hannah began.

"Did you know Victoria has blood," Ernie said dreamily.

"I have blood too, ya know!" Hannah cried. "And it's type 0 negative!"

"Hannah," Ernie said. "0 negative blood is awesome, but I am in love with Victoria. What we had—which by the way, was one kiss that resulted in both of us breaking our noses—is over."

"NO IT ISN'T!" Hannah screeched. "You made a commitment to me by sort of implying that you had a crush on me—you can't just back out of that!"

"M-m-miss Abbot," Professor Quirrel asked nervously. "Is there a p-p-problem?"

"Yes there is," Hannah sobbed. "Ernie's breaking up with me."

"How can I break up with you if we were never going out?!" Ernie demanded.

"M-m-miss Abbot," Professor Quirrel said. "P-p-perhaps you and Mr. M-m-macmillan can w-w-work out this argument after c-c-class."

"Now you're on his side!" Hannah accused Professor Quirrel. "EVERYBODY takes his side!"

Hannah flailed her arm for emphasize, which accidentally hit Professor Quirrel in the head, which caused his turban to fall off of his head, revealing…

"QUIRREL!" screeched a voice coming from the back of Professor Quirrel's head. "Put the turban back on—my face is getting cold!"

The students stared at Professor Quirrel, as he had a second face protruding from the back of his head.

"_C-C-CLASS D-D-DISMISSED_!"

The students, who were not going to question getting out of class early, happily stolled out of the classroom.

**QUIRRELQUIRRELQUIRRELQUIRRELQUIRRELQUIRRELQUIRRELQUIRREL**

"Hannah," Ernie said. "Why can't you get it through your head. We were never going out. We are just _friends_. But if you want to continue being friends with me, you have to accept Victoria as a part of my life."

"Ernie," Zacharias said. "Victoria isn't aware that you exist."

"YES SHE IS!" Ernie insisted. "The other day, I was staring at her, and I think she noticed, because she looked all uncomfortable, and then there was this awkward silence, and she started giggling."

"Ernie," Susan said. "That doesn't mean that she likes you. It just means that you're a stalker and you frighten her."

"We're in love!"

"You only think you're in love with her!" Hannah said. "She's led you to believe that you love her—probably brewed a love potion, or some other form of dark magic. The evil, manipulative b—"

"And you!" Ernie said. "Quit being so obsessive. I know I'm a very likeable person, but you're turning into a stalker, Hannah."

"…Says the boy who followed Victoria to her last five classes," Zacharias muttered.

"I wasn't following her," Ernie said defensively. "I just happened to be in the same part of the building as she was—at the exact same time as her."

"Ernie," Susan said. "I just don't think Victoria has any interest in you."

"Who can blame her?" Zacharias said. "Ernie's two years younger than her, slightly overweight, he's always complaining about his home life… why would Victoria like him."

"Victoria _does_ love me!" Ernie exclaimed. "And I'm going to prove it to you all. I'm going to find her, and declare to her my undying love for her."

Ernie ran off to the Hufflepuff Common Room in search of Victoria.

Zacharias shook his head.

"This will not end well," Susan said sadly.

**VICTORIAVICTORIAVICTORIAVICTORIAVICTORIAVICTORIAVICTORIAVICTORIA**

Ernie entered the Hufflepuff Common Room. He had entered this room hundreds of times before, but this time, it seemed different. This time he had a purpose.

And then he saw her. She sat in one of the large armchairs, reading a book (that was upside down.) Ernie's breath caught in his throat.

"Victoria," he said, breathing the name.

"Yes?" Victoria said, hearing the young Hufflepuff say her name.

"Victoria," Ernie said. "I've come here, to you, with a heart full of love. For days, I've watched, marveled at your beauty, hoping someday gather up the courage to share with you my true feelings.

"I love you, Victoria. I love you deeply, passionately, and unconditionally. I will travel to the other side of the world and back, only in return for your love."

Victoria stared at Ernie.

Ernie stared hopefully at Victoria.

There was a long silence.

Victoria began to giggle.

"Ummm, listen," Victoria said. "You seem… nice—a little creepy—but nice. But you're like eleven, and kind of a stalker and…"

Ernie continued to stare at Victoria hopefully.

Victoria once again giggled. "Well this _is_ awkward isn't it. Look—Edgar is it?—I'm not really interested, so okay, yeah…"

Ernie just stared at Victoria.

For the third time, she giggled. Silence made Victoria giggle, much to the expense of the first-year Hufflepuff.

"Well, ummm," Victoria said. "I'm just gonna go now. So, see you around, Edgar."

Victoria walked up to her dormitory.

Ernie began to cry.

**POORERNIEPOORERNIEPOORERNIEPOORERNIEPOORERNIEPOORERNIEPOORERNIE**

Five hours later, Ernie was still crying while his four friends attempted to comfort him.

"There, there, Ernie," Susan said. "There are other fish in the sea."

"You know, Ernie," Justin said. "My mom had a boyfriend once. They went out for a little while. Then my mom had him meet me, and he left her."

"Was she able to live her life without him?" Ernie sobbed.

"Well—no," Justin said. "She's kinda miserable, and lonely. But at least she has me."

Ernie sobbed harder.

"Ernie, are you gonna be all mopey, again?" Zacharias asked. "Because that's all you ever do. First you're crying about you're parents not loving you. Then you're crying because no one thinks you're talented, and now because the girl of your dreams doesn't love you. Ernie—get over it. This 'poor me' routine is starting to get annoying."

"Hannah," Susan said. "I know that you and Ernie haven't been on the best of terms recently, but wouldn't you like to add something to make him feel better?"

Hannah looked at Ernie sympathetically. "Ernie," she said. "I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO!"

**AUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTE**

**Thanks for reading my latest chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed chapter 7: oh.so.sirius., Scision, Cadence Black, NickyFox13, Salvaje, Goblet-of-fire-gal, and NovaBladeZ. I got a much bigger response this time, which I was very happy about.**

**Thanks again to oh.so.sirius. for giving me the idea for this chapter. I tried to base the character of Victoria off of information on your profile. I hoped you were happy with her!**

**I would be very grateful to anyone who reviews. You're opinion of the story (positive or negative) help me a lot. Any critiques are good because they help me learn how I can improve.**

**L.lulu**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters.**

**This chapter is dedicated to NickyFox13, who gave me an idea in this chapter, and the character of Nikki is based off of her.**

**I also do not own the song Tonight I Celebrate My Love which is briefly mentioned in this chapter.**

**Also, to any readers: this chapter does contain alcohol abuse, and references to drug abuse. If this sort of material offends you, you should probably stop reading. (By the way, I'm not trying to encourage any of my readers to do drugs; drugs are bad. HUGS NOT DRUGS!)**

**Chapter Nine: The Perfect Pick-Me-Up**

"I hate my life," Ernie said.

The four people who sat with him at the Hufflepuff table—Zacharias, Susan, Hannah and Justin—ignored this statement. Over the past week, they had become quite well-accustomed to his self-pitying rants.

The previous week, Ernie had declared his love to a third-year Hufflepuff named Victoria. Victoria, had understandably, not returned his feelings (as Ernie was two years younger, and a bit of a stalker.)

For the first few days after the rejection occurred, Susan, Zacharias, Hannah, and Justin had been sensitive to Ernie's grief—or at the very least, made pathetic attempts at being sensitive. But after seven days of his crying, moping, and overall hatred towards life, the four's patience for Ernie was wearing thin. They had decided on taking a new approach to dealing with Ernie's depression: ignoring it in hopes that he would grow tired of hating life.

Much to their disappointment, this approach was not working.

"I wish I was dead," Ernie continued. "Life is so pointless. No one loves me. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DON'T JUST JUMP IN THE LAKE!"

"Geez Ernie!" Zacharias cried. "This has been going on all week. Yes we know—Victoria dumped you—now get over it!

"I can't say I'm not surprised at your insensitivity, Zacharias," Ernie said coldly. "Not even my best friends care about me. I'm so alone in the world!"

"Zacharias is right, Ernie," Susan said. "You _do_ need to come out of this state of depression. When life gives you lemons, you need to make lemonade."

"How do I make lemonade out of this," Ernie said. "My one true-love rejected me, my self-esteem is pretty much gone, and I know I'll never be able to love anyone again because no girl in the world even compares to Victoria!"

Hannah growled indignantly.

"…At least you have your health…" Susan said.

"Just give it up, guys!" Ernie said. "Just leave me alone to die."

Ernie then stalked off to the Hufflepuff boys' dormitory in his most melodramatic fashion, most like to die.

"So…" Zacharias said. "What are we gonna do about him?"

"What do you mean?" Hannah asked. "Oh my god, Zacharias! You don't mean murder Ernie? I know he's annoying, and extremely stupid—why doesn't he see that I'm much awesome-er than Victoria?—but we can't kill him!"

"No, of course not," Zacharias said. "Well actually that isn't such a bad—no, no I'm not gonna kill Ernie. What I meant was, knowing you freaks, I'm guessing you have some plan to 'cheer Ernie up.'"

"What exactly are we supposed to do?" Susan said. "Ernie seems to be in a fairly severe state of depression—or possibly pre-teenage angst. Getting him to cheer up would be an awfully big challenge."

"Are you kidding me?" Zacharias said. "The options are endless. You're forgetting: we have no rules."

"Huh?" Justin asked. "I thought at the beginning of the year, Dumbledore said there were a bunch of rules, like no going in the forbidden forest, no going to the third floor corridor, no teasing Filch and making him cry—because he's really a very sensitive soul…"

"Well of course there are rules," Zacharias said. "But they don't really apply to us. See, it's basically up to a house's prefects to enforce the rules, and we don't have any prefect…"

"SOMEONE CALL ME?"

A Hufflepuff fifth year popped up behind Zacharias.

"AHHH!!!" Zacharias screamed, due to the fact that a Hufflepuff fifth year had popped up from behind him.

"Hi," the girl said.

"What the freakin' hell!"

"I'm Nikki," the girl said. "I'm the Hufflepuff fifth year prefect."

"Since when?" Hannah asked.

"Like, since the beginning of time…" Nikki answered. "Well, I guess that's an overstatement, but at least since the beginning of the year."

"But where were you that time during the Halloween feast?" Justin asked. "When Quirrel was like 'TROLL' and Dumbledore was all like 'first years follow the prefects' and we were all like, 'where the hell do we go'…?"

"Oh, yeah, that," Nikki said. "I was off reading a book."

"Did it ever occur to you that our lives might have been in danger?" Zacharias asked.

"Well it did," Nikki admitted. "But it was a really good book, and there was this cliff-hanger, and I really wanted to finish it…"

"Dumbledore obviously picks his prefects based on their sense of responsibility…" Zacharias said.

"He does," Nikki said, quite honestly. "I'm the most responsible student in my year."

"Isn't their supposed to be a male prefect?" Susan asked.

"Oh, you mean Henry," Nikki said. "He's off snorting crack, I think…"

"But Nikki," Zacharias said. "Drugs such as crack are a serious problem. Crack is a poison that destroys its victims both physically and emotionally. Your friend, Henry, needs your help and support in order for him to stop his self-destructive behavior!"

"Wow," Nikki said. "You're right. I'm gonna go find Henry and stage an intervention."

Nikki walked off to the Hufflepuff Common Room.

"Zacharias," Susan said. "That speech was truly inspirational. I never knew you were so passionate. Do you really feel that way?"

"No—don't you know me at all, Susan?" Zacharias stared at Susan, literally astounded at the question. "I was just trying to get that prefect distracted. I have the perfect plan to cheer Ernie up. And the best part is—I will enjoy it as well."

**DORMITORIESDORMITORESDORMITORIESDORMITORIESDORMITORIES**

"RISE AND SHINE, SLEEPY-HEAD!" Justin shouted, as he, Zacharias, Susan and Hannah pulled the blankets off of Ernie's head.

Ernie had been laying under his covers, alone in the dormitory with the blinds in the windows pulled shut, trying his hardest to die.

"What are you guys doing here?" Ernie asked. "Susan, Hannah, this is the boy's dormitory, you're not allowed to be here. Actually, how did you get in here? When I tried to get into the girls' dormitories, the staircase wouldn't let me."

"Why were you trying to get into the girls' dormitory?" Zacharias asked.

"Ummm…" Ernie said nervously. "Well I—Victoria I love you!"

"Yes, well…" Susan said. "Technically there is no rule against girls going into the boys' dormitories. When the Hogwarts founders built the castle, they assumed that the girls wouldn't try to take advantage of the boys."

"Have you come here to take advantage of me?" Ernie asked suspiciously, directing the question mainly at Hannah.

"No…" Hannah said, unconvincingly.

"Well than why are you here?" Ernie snapped.

"Ernie," Justin said. "We've been noticing that you've been kind of down recently, as a matter of fact, we're worried that you're becoming goth."

"…Like Harry Potter in the fifth book," Zacharias added. "So we decided to bring you a surprise."

"What?" Ernie asked.

"CLAM CHOWDER!" the four screamed. They all suddenly whipped out several bowls of New England style clam chowder.

"You brought me clam chowder," Ernie said. "Guys, why would I want clam chowder? I mean, I know the creamy goodness of the broth, and the chunky wholesomeness of the seafood makes my taste buds have orgasms, but it's not the greatest pick-me-up in the world…"

"Come on Ernie!" laughed Zacharias. "Do you think I would drag my ass all the way up to this dormitory just to eat clam chowder with _you_? I brought vodka, stupid!"

"Vodka?" asked Ernie.

"Yeah," Zacharias said. "I learned this trick a couple years ago. Vodka in clam chowder. It really takes the edge off of life with my parents."

"Yeah, because you have it so bad, Zacharias," Ernie grumbled. "Oh the horror—parents who love you! Do you know what I would give to be in your place? My parents are going to strangle me with my innards, and, and… AND VICTORIA REJECTED ME! …Give me the damn vodka!"

Ernie grabbed a bowl of clam chowder, and poured a large quantity of vodka into it.

"Come on guys, let's join him," Zacharias said to the other three, who looked reluctant to join in the alcohol consumption.

"My parents told me not to give in to peer-pressure," Hannah said.

"Hannah, come on," whined Zacharias. "If you drink the spiked clam chowder, you'll be socially accepted.

"Well when you put it that way…" Hannah said, taking a brief moment to mull over what Zacharias said. "Okay."

"My mom said I should do whatever it takes to make people like me," Justin said. "So… I'm in."

"My parents only said to never play poker with monkeys," Susan said. "Plus, they consume all sorts of medications. I'm sure they'd be okay with this."

The five Hufflepuff first-years then began to enjoy their clam chowder laced with vodka.

**CLAMCHOWDERCLAMCHOWDERCLAMCHOWDERCLAMCHOWDERCLAMCHOWDER**

"Hey—hey Hannah," Ernie said. "Hannah, there's something I wanted to get off of my chest. There's, there's something that I want to, want to… want to tell you."

"YES," Hannah squealed, in a louder voice than usual. "Oh ERNIE, d'you want ta get married. Cuz that would be WONDERFUL."

"No, no," Ernie said. "It's that, it's that your pigtails look so freakin stupid! You look like a blonde version of the Wendy's girl."

"Ernie you asshole!" Hannah said in an angry voice. Five seconds later, she burst out laughing. "Oh – I get it – wait, no I don't. But you're SO right!"

"Zacharias?" Susan asked. "Why don't we get married. I loooovvvve weddings. They're just so pretty… flowers, and dresses, and birds."

"Married?" Zacharias asked, before falling off of a chair laughing. "You know what, Susan? Marriage sucks. It just sucks, is what it is. The people live in the house together, and they get so freakin' stupid! Marriage is such a freakin' waste of time, is what it is."

"Ohhh, Zacharias," Justin sighed. "Ya know what you're doing? You're, you're blowing Susan off is what you're doing—that's what you're doing. You're afraid—wait no—wait yes, yes, you're afraid of commitment—that's what you're afraid of."

"Justin," Ernie slurred. "You, you… Haha, I lost my place, oh yeah—you don't know what it is that you're talking about. You just, don't even understand—you've never been in love, not like I was… So—shut up."

"Hey!" Zacharias said. "Hey, hey, don't you, don't you say that… to him. Don't you say that to him. It's just, it's not cool to say that, Ernie. It's just not."

"Oh so how would you know, _Zacharias_," Ernie asked. "Ya know, you think you're all cool and all… putting up that sarcastic, insensitive exterior, but the truth is… the truth is… you just know that deep down inside of you, you're just like me—you don't have any talent or any special-ness about you. So you, you… you go around acting like a freakin' jerk cuz it makes you seem cool. But you're really not!"

"Ernie," Susan said. "Don't… don't say stuff like that, because it's mean, and stuff."

"Yeah Ernie!" Hannah added. "You, you know what? You're just all pissy cuz Victoria dumped you. Yeah, and now you're all takin' it out on Zacharias, cuz you're upset that you can't even get a girlfriend."

"I could so!" Ernie yelled. "I could so get a girlfriend. You, you… you know what? I'm gonna go find Victoria, and I'm gonna… I'm gonna… I'm gonna win her back! Yeah, I'll win her back."

Ernie staggered out of the dormitory.

The four remaining intoxicated eleven-year-olds watched as he tripped down the stairs.

"Ummm…" Susan said. "Should we, like, go stop him?"

"Nah…" Zacharias said. "No, not after all those, all those mean things he said to us—you know, I… I can't believe I even shared my booze with him… the bastard. That was some mean stuff."

"I say," Hannah said. "I suggest—I propose that we, we just let him make a fool out of himself. Stupid Ernie… thinks he's too good for me… doesn't even have any freakin' talent…"

"Guys," Justin slurred. "Guys, we… we gotta do something. I mean, we can't, like, just let him go down and do—do whatever it is he's planning to do. We… we should stop him… cuz that's what friends do!"

"He's, he's," Susan said. "He's probably right."

"I guess so," Zacharias said.

"Fine…" Hannah said.

"Zacharias," Justin said. "You… you gotta drive, cuz I don't think I'm good to drive. Here, take my keys."

**VODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKA**

It took the Zacharias, Justin, Susan, and Hannah awhile to locate Ernie. This was not due to him being in a difficult-to-find place. It was because the four had some issues getting down the stairway.

"Guys," Justin whispered conspiratorially. "The staircases are, like, changing again."

"Omigod, omigod," Hannah said. "The freakin' staircase is GONNA CHUCK ME INTO OBLIVION!"

"Shut up you idiots," Zacharias slurred. "It's not even moving. You stupid drunks just got all drunk and dizzy… from being drunk and stuff."

"Maybe," Susan said. "Maybe—maybe it's the clam chowder that's making us loopy. Maybe the clams—in the chowder—are messin' with our minds."

"Oh no," Justin said. "What if… what if… what if they're controlling our EVERY THOUGHT! Oh God! They're gonna take over. The world's gonna be run by freakin' clams!"

"Guys, stop being idiots!" Zacharias growled. "Clams are, they're like, stupid. They're, they're not, like, capable of takin' over."

"What if," Justin said. "What if it's not clams… what if it's something else like, like—like chipmunks!"

"What?" Zacharias asked. "Why would it be…?"

"OMIGOD CHIPMUNKS!"

So, as one might imagine, there was a fairly lengthy delay.

**VODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKAVODKA**

It was in the Hufflepuff Common Room that Ernie found Victoria. Like with their last meeting, she was reading a book… upside down.

"Victoria…" Ernie breathed.

Victoria looked up upon hearing her name.

"Oh—Edgar," she said, in a feigned cheerful voice, with a forced smile plastered on her face. "Well, hi. How've you been. Isn't this awkward…"

"Oh Victoria," Ernie said, his words extremely slurred. "Victoria you're… you're so freakin' hot!"

"Oh…" Victoria said. "Look, Edgar. We went over this last time. I'm really, really, _really_ NOT interested."

"But Victoria," Ernie said. "I love you. Like… a lot."

"You're an eleven-year-old stalker…"

"Oh, and you're a dumb blonde!" he said. "Is this like a 'state-the-obvious' contest?"

"Hey!" Victoria said.

"Victoria… we," Ernie said. "We belong together… I just know it."

Ernie staggered over to Victoria, who backed away slightly.

"Come on, Victoria," Ernie said. "_Tonight… I celebrate my love for you_…"

"Are you singing?" Victoria asked.

"Does it make you like me?" Ernie asked.

"Not really…"

"But Victoria," Ernie said. "I've never—I've never felt this way towards anyone before… You're like, the sprinkles on my ice cream, the sauce on my spaghetti, the ointment on my…"

Ernie's monologue was interrupted, when he vomited on the Common Room rug.

"Ewww…" Victoria squealed. "You. Are. Disgusting!"

"Ohhh, Victoria," Ernie said. "Please—please don't leave me…"

"I'm getting a restraining order!" Victoria said. She then stormed out of the Common Room.

Ernie sat in a chair and began to cry (what a surprise.)

Four Hufflepuff first-years popped up from the staircase.

"Awww shit," Zacharias said, upon seeing Ernie. "We're too late."

"Ewww, puke," Hannah said.

"Shut up Hannah," Zacharias said. "This is your freakin' fault for making us late."

"Hey Ernie," Susan said gently. "How're you doin'?"

Ernie let out a dramatic sob in response.

"So…" Justin said. "How'd it…" he hiccupped, "how'd it go with Victoria?"

"You guys," Ernie said. "You were… you were right. I can't, like, get a girlfriend. I'm so freakin' miserable. Oh Zacharias, hold me!"

"No way man," Zacharias said. "I'm not that drunk."

"It's okay Ernie," Hannah said. She seemed to have finally forgiven Ernie for loving Victoria instead of her. "You don't need that slut," she added maliciously. Her expression then softened, "We still love you."

"Thanks…" Ernie said.

Suddenly, Nikki popped up from behind Zacharias.

"AHHH!" he screamed, as a random person had just popped up from behind him.

"Hey guys," Nikki said. "I just got back from Henry's intervention, and it went great. I'm going to make it my mission in life to rid the world of drugs and alcohol. So, whatcha doin'?"

"Ummm…." The five intoxicated eleven-year-old looked to each other anxiously, as they had just been discovered by an authority figure.

"Hey, what's that smell?" Nikki asked.

"Awww shit…" Zacharias groaned, certain that the fifth-year had detected the vodka.

"Is that clam chowder?" she asked.

"Yes," Justin, who was still clinging to a bowl of vodka-laced clam chowder answered.

"Oooh, gimme!" Nikki said. "I love clam chowder."

Justin handed the alcoholic soup to the prefect.

"Thanks guys," Nikki said, greedily gulping down the clam chowder. "Seeya!"

Nikki walked out of the Common Room.

"If we remember this day," Susan said. "It will be a day we always remember…"

"I think I'm gonna throw up again," Ernie said.

**AUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTEAUTHOR'SNOTE**

**Hey, readers. Thank you for reading the latest chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. I'm sorry it took longer than usual for an update, I've been kind of busy this week.**

**This chapter is dedicated to NickyFox13, the one who came up with the idea for clam chowder, and also who the character of Nikki is based on. Thanks NickyFox13, I changed the plot you gave me just a little, but I think it came out good. I hoped you liked your character.**

**I'd also like to add in a thank-you note to NickyFox13, Scision, emuroo, oh.so.sirius., Cadence Black, and Miss-EvilKanevil for their reviews.**

**To any readers, PLEASE REVIEW. You comments help me with each chapter, and it's helpful to know what I'm doing wrong and what I'm doing right. Thanks again for reading.**

**L.lulu**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters. I also do not own either of the movies, _The Parent Trap_, which is where I got the idea for this chapter.**

**By the way, there's a comment in there said by Zacharias that may sound offensive to those who have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Just know that I have no issues against it, and that Zacharias is an ass who offends _everyone_. I'm not trying to make anyone feel singled out.**

**Chapter Ten: A Very Hufflepuff Chrismas Part I**

"It's almost Christmas! It's almost Christmas! Just one more month 'till Christmas!" Justin sang. "Christmas is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE HOLIDAY! Once my mom brought me to the mall to meet Santa, and he was all like '_hello there little fellow, what do you want for Christmas'_ and so I told him all the stuff I wanted—candy, and a puppy, and a blender…"

"Christmas sucks."

This statement was surprisingly said in _unison_ by both Zacharias and Ernie.

"Guys, why do you hate Christmas?" Hannah asked. "It's a time for cookies and snow angels, and best of all… presents—I know that this year I'll finally get that pony I always wanted—I JUST KNOW IT!"

"A: I'm Jewish and I don't celebrate Christmas," Zacharias said. "I think it's presumptuous of the school to title our vacation as 'Christmas Holidays' when not everyone in this school is a Christian."

"Since when are you Jewish?" Susan asked.

"Since the beginning of time, Susan" Zacharias said. "Do you have a problem with that? Do you?"

"No, no of course not!" Susan said. "I think it's great that you're Jewish!"

"It's fine Susan, I was just screwing with you," Zacharias said. "Anyway, reason B for my hatred towards Christmas is the vacation we get. Now I have to see my stupid parents."

"Of course, Zacharias," Ernie said, once again ready to engage Zacharias in a debate over who had the worst family situation. "You're going to complain about you're 'terrible' parents. I'm the one who really suffers the most—I'm most likely going to come back to school missing a vital organ!"

"Well at least your parents are reasonably sane," Zacharias said. "My mother is constantly crying…"

"Oh, Zacharias, is she depressed?" Susan asked, concerned. "Because I could always hook you up with some medication if she needs it—I've got connections."

"No, she's not depressed," Zacharias said. "Just extremely emotional. The majority of the time it's 'tears of joy' for the stupidest reasons, even for trivial things."

"My mom has a nervous twitch," Justin said, not wanting to feel left out.

"And my dad…" Zacharias shuddered. "He's the worst. He laughs _constantly_. Such an annoying laugh it is… Oh, it haunts me in my worst nightmares to this day… _hahaha_. And what's even more annoying are his persistant attempts at engaging me in 'father-son' activities—NO I DON'T WANT TO GO FISHING, DAMNIT!"

The other four stared at Zacharias.

"Flashback," he said sheepishly. "But seriously, Ernie. I would kill to be in your position, with parents who are less doting."

"It's called love, Zacharias," Ernie said. "And you have no idea what I would give to be in _your_ position."

The five were silent.

"Did anyone else just share that epiphany?" Ernie asked.

"What's an epiphany?" Justin asked.

"It's all clear now," Ernie said. "Zacharias and I need to switch places during the Christmas Holidays. I'll go to his family and finally experience love, and Zacharias can go to my hell-hole and realize that I was right and that he had it good all along."

"Great idea, Thomas Edison," Zacharias said, sarcastically.

"Who?" the others asked.

"American guy—never mind," Zacharias said. "But anyway, your plan has a flaw: don't you think our parents will notice that we're not their kids?"

"Oh, Zacharias, quit being so negative," Hannah piped in. "Everyone knows parents are stupid. They'll never notice. Just tell Ernie's mom and dad that you went on Atkins."

"I guess you have a point, Zacharias," Ernie said. "If only there was some way we could disguise ourselves to look exactly like one another…"

"I know!" Hermione Granger chose that moment to make her entrance.

"CHIPMUNK-GIRL!" Hannah cried in terror.

"You know," Hermione said, slightly annoyed. "I have assured you again and again, on every occasion that we meet that I AM NOT A RODENT. And I find it quite offensive that you would continue to assume otherwise."

"It's a reflex…" Hannah said.

"Oh look," Zacharias said. "The Gryffindor has returned to 'educate' the stupid little Hufflepuffs. Obviously, we are not capable of figuring out a way for Ernie and I to successfully trade places without making our families suspicious."

"Fine," Hermione said. "Figure it out on your own."

"Maybe we will," Susan said.

The five Hufflepuffs sat in deep concentration for five minutes, scouring their brains for an answer.

"I got nothing," Hannah said.

"Ditto," muttered the others.

"Okay, Granger," Zacharias sighed. "Tell us your brilliant plan."

"Polyjuice Potion," Hermione said. "I figured that my friends are going to be in need of some type of illegal potion by next year—part of the contract for our friendship; I might as well practice with you five."

"…Sure, make the Hufflepuffs the guinea pigs…" muttered Ernie.

"Chipmunks?!" Hannah asked in alarm.

"No, a guinea pig is a different species of rodent," Hermione said, unable to resist the opportunity at proving her ability as a know-it-all.

"Just tell us how to make the stupid potion," Zacharias said.

"Well I'll need to gather up the ingredients," Hermione said. "And it'll take a month…"

"Well then," Susan said. "Zacharias won't be able to participate, a month is far too long—he's afraid of making a commitment."

"What the hell is it with you women?" Zacharias asked. "We're not even twelve and you want to get married. Then, the minute I say no, I'm accused of having a phobia of commitment!"

"Yeah, Susan," Ernie said. "You're turning into a psycho-bitch like Hannah!"

**ERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEAD**

"Finch-Fletchley!"

"Here!"

"Goldstein!"

"Here!"

"Macmillan!"

A blank silence filled the room.

"Macmillan?"

Still no reply.

"Miss Abbot?" Professor Snape asked. "Where is Macmillan?"

"He's absent," Hannah answered.

"And why is he absent?" Professor Snape asked.

"Crotch-related injury, Professor," Hannah answered.

**CROTCHRELATEDINJURYCROTCHRELATEDINJURYCROTCHRELATEDINJURY**

"The potion is almost completed," Hermione said to Zacharias, Susan, Hannah, Justin, and Ernie. "Not that I had any help…"

"We're Hufflepuffs, what do you expect?" Zacharias asked.

"Aren't Hufflepuffs supposed to be hard-working?" Hermione asked.

"We are hard-working… in comparison to the other students at Hogwarts," Susan said.

"I've been busting my ass!" Hermione shouted. "I'm in Gryffindor and I've put in more effort than the five of you combined."

"By the rest of the students," Zacharias said. "We mean the ones _without_ OCD."

"I have an excuse!" Ernie said defensively. "I was in the Hospital Wing."

"For a month?" Hermione asked skeptically.

"It took a month for Madame Pomfrey to heal my… area, even with the use of magic!" Ernie said, glaring at Hannah. "She says I'm lucky that my… area is still functional after the trauma you inflicted on it."

"Ernie grow up," Justin said. "There is no shame in using the actual term for your 'area.' Say 'fun part' like everyone else."

"Anyway, Granger," Zacharias said. "We leave on Christmas Break tomorrow. Is the potion ready?"

"All I need is a piece of Ernie's and your hair," Hermione said.

"Ewww, Hermione you sicko!" Justin said. "Couldn't they just pay you in galleons or something? Seriously, what kind of person is into taking other people's hair?"

"It's to put into the potion, you dumbass!" Hermione said. "I don't know why I bother associating with you people."

"I ask myself the same thing every day," Zacharias said. "But seriously, I have to drink Ernie's hair? What if the loser-ness is contagious?"

"…And everyone wonders why I have self-esteem issues…" Ernie said.

"Well yes, you have to drink the potion containing Ernie's hair," Hermione said. "That's the only way it will work!"

"That's disgusting!" Zacharias said, absolutely repulsed.

"Hey!" Susan said. "A women who lives down the hall from my parents ingests her own hair. She happens to be a very nice lady."

"So, let me get this straight," Zacharias said to Susan. "If I don't drink the hair-potion, you will be personally offended?"

"Right," Susan said.

"Terrific," Zacharias said. "Well, I guess it's worth not having to see my parents this Christmas. Plus, I saw what happened to Ernie when he angered a woman."

"It was terrible, man…" Ernie shuddered.

"I believe that if you two know enough about each other's families, then you will have no problem pulling this scheme off," Hermione concluded.

"Oh crap," Zacharias said. "I barely know anything about your family—besides the violence thing."

"I only know about your dad's excessive laughing, and your mom's excessive crying!" Ernie said in alarm.

"It looks like you two have twenty-four hours to bond," Susan said.

"How are we supposed to get to know every intimate detail of each other's family life in twenty-four hours?!" Ernie asked.

"Slumber party," Hannah said. "Just the two of you…"

**BONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDING**

"Well… isn't this awkward?" Ernie said to Zacharias.

"Shut up!" Zacharias snapped.

Zacharias was a bit upset due to the fact that Susan, Hannah, and Justin had locked him and Ernie up in together in their dormitory to 'bond.' Justin, was participating in a slumber party with Susan and Hannah to give the two privacy. (His love for interior decorating caused the staircase to allow him into the girls' dormitory.)

"I _cannot_ believe those assholes are sadistic enough to lock me up in a room with _you_," Zacharias muttered. "Those _freaks_ think they have the _right_ to do _this_ to _me_…"

"Okay, stop!" Ernie said. "One: Quit using those italics, they're annoying and weird—gosh, why are they so _slanty_? Two: I'm just as miserable as you here…"

Zacharias growled.

"Okay, almost as miserable," Ernie said. "But this is for a good cause. Remember, it is imperative that we know everything about each other's families in order for the 'switch' to work."

"I guess you're right," Zacharias sighed. "Well, where do we start?"

"How about, I tell you about some family traditions we have," Ernie said. "Every Christmas, my parents like to decorate the entire house red and gold—after the Gryffindor House…"

**EIGHTHOURSLATEREIGHTHOURSLATEREIGHTHOURSLATEREIGHTHOURSLATER**

"Omigod, you like to eat your oreos with peanut butter, too!" Zacharias squealed.

"I can't believe it," Ernie said. "That is SO freaky!"

"I know!" Zacharias replied.

"Careful, careful," Ernie giggled. "You're going to mess up your pedicure if you keep wiggling like that!"

"It was such a cute idea to get matching pink toe nails!" Zacharias said.

"I know, right," Ernie said.

Suddenly, the door burst open.

"RISE AND SHINE SLEEPY-HEADS…" Justin's voice trailed off.

Justin, Susan, and Hannah stared at Zacharias and Ernie, who were sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, surrounded by several bottles of nail polish and various other cosmetics.

Zacharias and Ernie stared back at their friends.

"We will never speak of this moment," Zacharias said.

"Agreed," the other four replied.

**PEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICURE**

The train-ride from Hogwarts to King's Cross seemed to last an eternity to Zacharias and Ernie. At last, it came to a halt.

"I guess we should drink the polyjuice potion," Ernie said.

"I guess so," Zacharias said.

They each, reluctantly, added the other's hair to their glass of the potion.

"On the count of three, we drink," Ernie said.

"ONE, TWO, THREE," they chanted in unison. They each gulped down the substance.

Zacharias was the first to gag. "Aghh! Omigod, Ernie. Have you ever heard of dandruff shampoo?"

"Ahhh! Uhhh! Oh god, that's disgusting!" Ernie spat. "Do you wash your hair with battery acid?"

"No, it's a salon product," Zacharias said.

Ernie stared at Zacharias.

"Shut up!" he growled. "My hair is very high-maintenance. See for yourself!"

Zacharias handed Ernie a mirror.

"Oh wow!" Ernie said. "I look just like you!"

Ernie then looked at Zacharias.

"You guys are right," Ernie said in awe. "I do need to lose a few pounds! Wow, it's different now that I can see me from your perspective. I can really relate to why you always made fun of me for expecting to get into Gryffindor—I do really look Hufflepuff-ish."

"So, we should probably go and meet each other's families," Zacharias said.

"I guess this is good-bye until the end of Christmas Break," Ernie said.

There was an awkward pause.

"Should we, like, hug?" Ernie asked.

"What? No!" Zacharias said.

"The others were right about you being homophobic…"

"Let's just leave!" Zacharias snapped.

"Well, then," Ernie said. "Bye."

"Bye," Zacharias said. "See you at the end of Christmas Break."

**TOBECONTINUEDTOBECONTINUEDTOBECONTINUEDTOBECONTINUEDTOBECONTINUED**

**Thank you for reading this latest chapter of ****The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs****. That was part one of "A Very Hufflepuff Christmas." **

**I would like to give my thanks to all who reviewed my last chapter: LunaSky, NickyFox13, and Goblet-of-fire-gal. To anyone who's reading, I would really appreciate reviews. They help me with the story a lot.**

**L.lulu**


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